Can you heal from trauma? with Anna Williams — Podcast Shownotes

Trigger Warning: References to sexual abuse, incest and suicide.

Each of us carries wounds from childhood but for some, these wounds don’t show themselves physically yet are deeper and more hurtful than anything that bleeds. While the abuse may have ended, the body keeps score. Abuse can damage one’s body and plague one’s mind. The ramifications of such experiences aren’t easy to deal with as most go on a life-long journey to begin healing. 

We spoke to Anna Williams, who shared with us her story of overcoming trauma, life’s challenges, and finding mindfulness, healing and self-love.

Podcast Excerpt

The following interview has been edited for brevity and clarity 

Alyssa: Anna, I’d like for you to have as much control as you want today because it’s your story. How would you like to begin?

Anna: I grew up in a typical Eurasian family with several generations living under one roof. My father traveled often because he was in the military and there were times where he was away for six months at a time. One of the things he felt was good was having different members of the household together so that we never really felt alone like he was for a long time. I think he felt a sense of security knowing that someone would be there to help my mom. 

What transpired during those times when my father was away was something that changed and impacted the lives of my and my sister’s forever. It was when my grandfather and uncle had started to molest us. I was about 7 and my sis who is a year younger than I am. I don’t recall exactly when, because we never talked about it or addressed it to each other. 

Furthermore, we were being raised in this culture where you respect your elders and never question authority. You were at the mercy of anyone that was older than you — that was a lot of people within the immediate and extended family.

This happened for 4 years on and off until my father’s role changed and he decided that he didn’t want to go away anymore. He wanted his privacy back with the family and that’s when everything stopped. 

I hadn’t spoken about this to anybody. Fast forward several years, a close friend to my sister and me, told us that she was going to be taken away from her family. What happened was, she explained that her stepfather had been molesting her and her sister. Her mother found out and child social services came by and took them away from home. 

This was a very strong trigger internally. I wasn’t sure of what I was feeling but my first thought was that speaking up about it meant that the family is going to be broken. Although I wasn’t conscientious of it at that time, I made a decision that I was never going to share this with anyone for the fear of being that person to break up my family. 

Fast forward a few more years after that, when I was in university, something came up again. I had found out that my sister had tried to commit suicide. What happened was that in her months of being in an institution where she could seek professional help, it came out through counselling that she was also abused. 

My parents were devastated and I was upset because I had kept this a secret for so long. I was okay with keeping it a secret but I was shocked that the depth of what my sister had experienced felt a lot more severe and worse than what I had experienced. There was also shame in thinking that I couldn’t protect her as an older sister. 

Alyssa: How did your parents react to all of these? 

Anna: My father was enraged. He is a pretty even keel guy. I had never ever seen him this enraged. Thankfully, at the time, we had left Hawaii because if we still lived there, my father might have gone to prison for some horrible things. My mother was devastated. She’s also a very strong woman and I’d never seen her in a state where I just felt like she looked so helpless. They didn’t know what to do because they were so wrapped up in the emotions of everything and also having my mother being pregnant with my younger brother. 

Alyssa: Can you describe how you and your family moved forward with that information?

Anna: We had someone come in and offer to do family counselling. It was difficult because we hadn’t talked about it for so long. I did not do well because I didn’t want to talk to anybody, let alone some stranger. The counselling didn’t really make much of a dent as a family unit because we didn’t talk about a lot of things like that. My parents ended up staying and going through the therapy as parents themselves. My sister continued with therapy. I believed that it really helped her but I’m not really sure how and to what extent today. 

Alyssa: How did you move forward over the years in terms of coping with this? 

Anna: It’s trial and error. I think part of it was finding, and recognizing the people who truly understood me, that I knew could support me, having the strength to know that this had happened and I was going to be okay. I really needed people strong enough to understand and be patient with me. 

I also began this journey of self-awareness. It was a long, arduous journey in the sense that there are moments of finding out something about yourself, feeling the strength in that and that finding out something else. It was very much crest and trough. 

There were lots of elements of distractions where I thought I was ready to deal with some things yet I wasn’t quite ready to do so. But the beginning of that self-awareness is how I think the healing really started. 

Alyssa: How else do you feel that your experiences as a child affected you as an adult?

Anna: They had helped me to develop an acute awareness of my environment. I didn't realize it, but I had suffered from PTSD. Over those 4 years, it was that constant scanning, even unconscious scanning of my environment to see if there were any potential threats. As a child, I didn’t know how else to feel safe, so I tried to control my environment.

It also impacted my ability to trust people, to form deep and intimate relationships. Because when that happens, you're always questioning what people's motives are. You're always questioning, why does this person want to be friends with me, and you know that a lot of trauma survivors are people that have developed incredibly low self-esteem, no sense of self, feeling like they're unlovable, feeling responsible for anything that may have happened to their siblings, or other people that that were involved. So those types of people tend to find it hard to justify to themselves, why anyone would want to be friends with them or love them. It impacted my relationships because of the inability to allow myself to be loved. 

Lastly, it impacted the way I analyze things. I over-analyze in some ways. I’ve always felt like if I can figure out what people’s motivations are then I can tick the boxes on what all the potential risks are. If everything is ok, then I can do this. 

Alyssa: What does healing from trauma look like?

Anna: ​​I believe that it's different for everybody. But for me, healing from trauma meant that I was able to listen to other people's stories without being really emotionally triggered than the way that I used to be.  Also, to be able to step out of me for a little bit, to observe when I was beginning to elicit a response that was similar to a response from before. I think I also began to heal when I'm seeing other people's desire, willingness, compassion to support and to understand you. I think that was also an amazing part of the beginning of that healing journey. to just realize that there are people out there that love and care about you, and they want to help you. 

Alyssa: What have you done as a parent, and even more so as a single parent to take the lessons of active healing to your daughter? 

Anna: The first thing is to not hide behind it and to not be ashamed of it. I told my daughter the story because I wanted her to understand why some of my behaviours are the way they are. I encourage her to be discerning about who she spends her time with and how she spends her time with them and to always trust that intuitive feeling inside. If she’s feeling like something is not right, then speak up or act. Don’t ever let someone older or an authoritative figure have any way with her that will make you feel uncomfortable. No matter how old you are, you have the right to say no and stop. 

Calm Conversations is a podcast series launched and facilitated by Calm Collective Asia. As a means of sharing personal experiences, lessons, and advice, we speak to people from all walks of life about topics that are universally relevant yet often still taboo in the hope of normalising conversations about mental health. 

Available on Spotify, Google, and Apple, you can tune in whenever and wherever. We hope that by listening in, you feel less alone, learn something new, and find the courage to continue these conversations with the people around you. Stay calm!

Resources

I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings by Maya Angelou

The Courage to Heal by Ellen Bass and Laura Davis 

Outgrowing the Pain: A book for and About Adults Abused as Children by Eliana Gil