How did volunteering save me from the edge?
Trigger warning: suicide, alcohol abuse
When you hear the word “volunteering”, what comes to mind? For some, it means spending time committing to causes that resonate with us or interacting with like-minded individuals who do good together. For others, it can mean contributing skills to create an impact for others in the community, no matter the level of effort and complexity of the task at hand. Personally, my relationship with volunteering over the past few years has been healing, both to the mind and body. It has allowed me to become more self-aware of what is going on in my mind as I regularly reflect on the interactions and experiences during my time volunteering.
The lowest of lows
In January 2019, after a breakup in a ‘shock and awe’ fashion, I lost all motivation to get anything done and chose to isolate myself. After about two weeks, my FYP supervisor realised something was amiss - she no longer received any project updates, and I wasn’t present at the lab as often. She sent a text message: “Are you alright? Did something come up?”
Besides doing daily things like leaving my room to get some sun, clearing the trash, and grabbing meals, the other place I would frequent was the campus supermarket, to get bags of snacks and alcoholic drinks when supplies ran out.
A month later, news of a possible suicide case on campus shook the student community. Sadly, for me, it led me to think “since I am probably screwed, both academically and having nothing to lose anymore, perhaps that option could be a way out of all the mess that seems too much to bear.” To give some background, this was not my first time contemplating suicide, and I had actually attempted suicide a few years ago.
I remember it being dead in the night around 3 AM, and the plan to leave everything got me excited in the wrong way. As I moved to leave the room, I was careful to not make any noise that would wake my roommate up. As he was a light sleeper, he called out to me asking, “Where are you going bro?”.
The next couple of hours was chaos. It began with a threat to call the campus security and police, which did not unnerve me since my mind was already set. We had a shouting match that definitely came close to waking up our hall neighbours.
Thankfully, it got to the point where we decided to have a HTHT (heart-to-heart talk) instead - something we used to do every night before things got bad for me. While I can’t recall most of what was said, given how emotionally charged I was, I can remember him asking this question, “Is this really worth it? There must be something else better than wasting yourself this way.”
That small bowl of bakmee
Hanging on to that question, I stumbled across an opportunity to sign up for an overseas volunteering project via an email blast from the school. Having taken a 5 year break away from actively volunteering in the community, I jumped at the chance, not knowing where life will take me beyond this decision. Four months later, I found myself in a fishing village about an hour away from Jakarta , something I did not envision immediately after that HTHT session. Yet, here I was, working on refurbishment works with my teammates, and slurping on Indomee whenever we got the chance.
Interacting with the local children, and seeing how they find joy in the things they have around them led me to realise how important perspective is when it comes to overcoming the challenges we face. After this experience, I started to appreciate the little things around me more, like a small bowl of bakmee with friends at the end of the project, when we have our final team meal together.
Rainbows
Coming back to Singapore, I did not instantly start volunteering. Instead, I took time to internalise the lessons from my volunteering experience.
Going into working life soon after, the learning curve was naturally a steep one - with the cycle of work, play, sleep, and repeat lasting for the next couple of months. Then, the opportunity to undertake a self-expression project with the special needs community came along. I thought it would be interesting to explore since I never had much knowledge and experience engaging with such a community.
During an experiential workshop conducted by Ms Kuik Shiao-yin in preparation for us to do the project, there were 3 points which I felt were really useful, that I would like to share with you:
These points have helped me realign how I deal with difficult situations and people:
You cannot empathise if you cannot slow down and see.
There are things I see and things I do not see.
There is ALWAYS something new and worthy to see.
As these three points highlight, it is important for us to practice self-empathy and to be kind to ourselves so that we can treat others with the same kindness - forming a positive loop of empathy within the community.
As a final note, I would say that I am really thankful for all the people I have met and the experiences I have gained in these past four (and more) years. I hope to continue my work to pay it forward to others just like how many others, like my roommate, have done for me when I was struggling.