How I learned to accept my ADHD diagnosis
Hearing that you have a mental health condition can be a tough pill to swallow when you are first confronted with it. I, too, found it hard at first to face the fact, but over time I came to accept it as a part of me.
How I discovered my ADHD
I was five years old when my mom noticed that I behaved like an overly excited kid and was always distracted by the little things around me. She found that it was very hard for me to concentrate on my homework for long periods and that I became very talkative whenever something perked me up. She consulted our family doctor, who recommended we visit a psychologist. Eventually, the psychologist told us that I had ADHD or Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder.
Dealing with internal stigma
I wasn't worried when I was first diagnosed, as I was confused about what this ADHD would mean to me. The thing that confirmed my worst fears of ADHD being a mental health condition was the medication that was prescribed to me. It wasn't the normal run-of-the-mill medicines you would get when you get a headache, cold, or flu. It was a specialised and controlled drug called Ritalin (a drug that cannot be abused and needs to be regulated by the MOH - Ministry of Health). It was a confirmation status to me, saying that I have a medical condition. My mum gave me one word of advice which became cemented in my memory as a habit: do not tell anyone you have this condition.
Living a double life with my ADHD
My mum told me that she could see two different sides to me when I take medication vs when I don't take medication as if I had Dr Jekyll/Mr. Hyde personalities.
When I was not on medication, I became erratic, hyperactive, loud, boisterous, and chatty, which led to communication problems. This caused people to see me as rude, loud, and talkative.
When I was on medication, I became quiet, timid, friendly, and approachable. This has led me to be viewed as more of a friendly, approachable, although timid person by some people.
Upon realising this, my mum and I devised a strategy that I would need to take my medication if I started acting hyperactive or when I would have to have important discussions with people and visiting relatives.
Eventually, this led me to believe that medication equals getting rid of erratic behaviour. I kept looking at other people and thought to myself, why do I need to take medication when other people already have their act together and know how to behave in public? This led to me accepting the fact that I will have to take medication for the rest of my life even though it wouldn't lead me to accept my mental health condition.
The realisation where I felt like I was accepting the way I am and able to live life beautifully
In late 2021, I volunteered in various mental health initiatives like Mindline, Artist’s Residency, Youth Corps Singapore and SAMH Creative Say!. I also found a close friend that helped me get back on track.
We both met at Mindline and worked together. It was going well until my insecurities regarding ADHD came back to me, which made me believe I couldn’t have any close friends. When I was younger, I was unable to make and sustain friendships for a long time due to my erratic behaviour, so bonds were broken quite easily. That led me to be alone most of the time, with nobody to talk to through difficult periods. I explained to her everything that had happened in the past, and she told me something which made me look forward to accepting my diagnosis: “It's okay to have ADHD. It's NOT a terminal illness; you don't have to be afraid of having it or having others know about it. If you have to hide, I don't think that's being honest with others and yourself too --sincere people will look past this.”
From that moment on, I dedicated my life to understanding the flaws and strengths of my mental health condition by jotting down notes about myself and finding the root causes of my deep-rooted insecurity with ADHD. I can confidently say that as of April 2022, I have learned to accept my mental health condition!
What I’ve learned
If I could distil my learnings into a few steps, here is what helped me most in accepting my mental health condition:
Do seek out friends who are sincere and willing to understand you as a human and not as a diagnosis label. Having these types of friends can help you understand that it is okay to have a mental health condition and can help you to discover yourself beyond it.
Do get involved in mental health initiatives as it brings about many benefits to giving you a perspective on the mental health scene and you get to make new friends.
Write up a personal journal of how your mental health journey has been so far and ask yourself what are the ways you can improve your mental health.
Do look up philosophies that you can apply in daily life, like Stoicism and learn how to build your resilience muscle.
This list is not exhaustive. There are more resources out there that are dedicated to giving a human perspective on mental health issues and personal stories. Studies have found that sharing personal stories do two things: increase one’s well-being and makes one feel less stigmatised
Some more resources you can visit:
Mindline.sg
Calm Collective’s talk: ADHD in adults: Can a struggle also be a superpower?