How to hold space for others without internalising their struggles
Being a co-founder of Calm Collective Asia looks different on a daily basis. For me, it might mean working on illustrations, editing articles, planning out goals for the organisation with Sabrina and our core team, or sometimes holding space for others within our community. Having been through our peer facilitation training has taught me a solid foundation for listening and empathy skills that have been relevant not only for facilitating discussions during Calm Circles but also in daily life. A caveat: in no way does this make me a qualified therapist, and if an issue is beyond my capabilities as an empathetic ear, I will encourage members of our community to seek professional help. However, there are times when holding space for others is all someone needs at that moment and can be a boost to their mental well-being.
One of our volunteers, Ibrahim, has sometimes reached out to me when he's needed a listening ear, and in fact, it was his idea to collaborate on this piece about holding space for someone.
Alyssa: So, Ibrahim, what avenues have you tried when you’ve needed a listening ear?
Ibrahim: “When it comes to seeking a listening ear, I would normally seek help from my friends or my circles such as those people in Calm Collective. There was one time when I tried to book therapy, but I had difficulty finding an available therapist to talk to due to the high volume of requests for help. I don't normally seek help from my friends all the time as I have to take into consideration that they are always busy and I try not to dump everything on them because it might be too much for them to handle.”
A: What makes you feel heard?
I: “What makes me feel heard is someone that tries to understand my situation, is empathetic and gives me the motivation to look forward to the day. They might tell me things like ‘it's good that you have let it out’ or ‘I am so sorry for the situation that you are in, it has been a tough journey for you.’ They seek not to provide solutions but to be there as a listening ear and try to look for avenues that can help with my situation. Or, arranging a time to meet up and have a long chat over coffee about the issues I am facing. It's like you're being there with the person and being a listening ear to the person. I really like that.”
A: How do you feel after sharing your thoughts and troubles with someone?
I: “I feel happier, motivated and relieved after sharing my thoughts with someone. I feel happy because I get to feel heard during the conversation, motivated because now I know what I must do to tackle these problems, and relieved because I have managed to air out my grievances about myself and I managed to make the problem lesser than it was.”
A: It’s great that you’re able to feel that way just after talking to someone. When we have a conversation, usually I just ask you questions, and sometimes you get these epiphanies on your own about your situation since it makes you think about them in a different light.
I: “I really appreciate it, thank you. I’m curious, how do you hold space for others without internalising their struggles?”
A: It’s been a learning journey, but here are some things I have learned from the Calm Circles training as well as my own lived experience:
1. Only hold space when you are ready to listen.
I have a tendency to want to help others, but I know that I have to be fully present in order for it to actually be effective. If I’m caught up with work or other things in my own life, I will set boundaries and say “I can’t hold space right now, but can we chat later?”
2. Ground yourself and know your triggers
There’s a big section in the Calm Circles training around self-care and grounding oneself. In fact, I was surprised about how large a part it was in the curriculum! When someone shares their struggles with me, it can trigger my own emotions if I have gone through something similar in the past. Even if I’ve never experienced something similar, listening can also trigger frustration – the kind that I feel when I’m watching a horror movie and a character does something illogical like go into the dark, scary basement! It’s important to recognise these kinds of feelings in myself so I can ground myself in the moment, taking my own feelings and opinions out of the equation. If we’re too focused on ourselves, we won’t be able to properly listen to what someone else is saying.
3. Know that you can’t solve problems for the other person
In a podcast I did with Joan Low, CEO of Thoughtfull, she shared how one of the things she learned as a caregiver is that we can walk the journey with someone, but not for them. Having been a caregiver myself, I know that even if the solution seems really clear to me, it does not serve the other person to tell them what I think is the solution because (1) I might be wrong, and (2) it’s not sustainable for someone’s wellbeing to rely on others for answers. Ultimately, it’s a personal journey that they need to undertake. By recognising that my role is just to hold space, I am able to detach myself from trying to control the outcome of someone's journey.
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Want a safe and non-judgmental space for open conversations that supports mental well-being? Join us at our next Calm Circles!