How to take care of your mental health during the festive period
“We think sometimes that poverty is only being hungry, naked and homeless. The poverty of being unwanted, unloved and uncared for is the greatest poverty.” – Mother Teresa.
Personally, I know a thing or two about this kind of poverty, because I struggle with it every year during the festive period, be it Christmas, New Year, Chinese New Year, Valentine’s Day or my own birthday, Basically any occasion that’s meant to be a joyful celebration. And it makes me feel broken like something’s deeply wrong with me. “Why am I so sad when I’m supposed to be happy?” “Why can’t I be like everyone else?” But over the years, I’ve realised that I’m not alone in feeling lonely. It is actually very common for those struggling with their mental health to struggle extra hard during the festive period.
Perhaps you feel extra lonely looking at couples and families being all lovey-dovey this season, wishing you were one of these happy people in love. Perhaps this is the first holiday since a loved one passed on and there’s a whole new emotion of grief to navigate this season as the void that this person left in your heart feels bigger during this period. Perhaps you’re going through a break-up or a divorce, and your whole routine during the festive period is affected. Perhaps you’ve lost your job this year and are fretting about the bills that keep piling up and how to take care of yourself and those you love, wondering how long you’ll come home empty-handed. Perhaps you’re stuck in a different country from your loved ones for the second year in a row because of the Covid-related travel restrictions and can’t be home for Christmas. Perhaps you or a loved one has just been diagnosed with a serious illness (physical or mental), and you are having a hard time coming to terms with the news, and the pain and uncertainty it brings. Perhaps you’ve experienced some sort of abuse or trauma this year and are still struggling to heal and move forward from it, or worse still, find yourself still stuck in an abusive situation and can’t find a way to escape. Perhaps there’s less access to your psychiatrist/psychologist/counsellor/ any other services to support your mental health during this period as they have taken some time off, which can feel very scary. Perhaps you’re feeling anxious about all the upcoming family obligations and social gatherings, or suffocated by certain people’s expectations of you during this period. Perhaps your to-do list seems like it’s getting longer and longer with all the endless Christmas shopping, errands and preparations.
As this article so eloquently states, “balance your sense of social obligations against your need for self-care.” Subjugation is a psychological term defined as sacrificing or denying your own emotional needs to please others because of an excessive sense of guilt or of having to obey or surrender to the demands of others to avoid perceived negative consequences. As a result, “you may end up suppressing your own needs, desires, feelings, opinions or decisions. Such behaviours are closely linked with a sense of helplessness, feeling trapped, or inability to speak out and be assertive.” You and your mental health matter. Hopefully, this blog post convinces you that you are worthy to put your emotional needs first this festive period and to stop making sacrifices for other people to be happy at the expense of your own happiness.
If you find yourself struggling a little more this festive period, here are some hacks to prioritize your mental health:
#1 Social media detox.
Be careful with the kind of information you consume, especially during this period. Let’s face it. How much fun people are having this season is going to be all over social media. And if you’re not having fun, it could be very detrimental to your mental health to see/hear about this. Also, social media is a facade. Everyone knows that, and everyone is guilty of it to a certain degree. Yet, we are still so addicted to it. We pick and choose what parts of our lives we want to show the world. Even if we were unhappy 98% of the time during some big family gathering at Christmas or New Year, many of us will still display the other 2% on our social media, and someone on the outside looking in will believe that you enjoyed yourself the entire time. To protect your sanity during this period, reduce your scrolling on Instagram/Tiktok/Facebook, mute certain accounts, or just go on a complete tech detox if you’d like.
#2 Spend time in introspection and reflect on the emotions of the year and what you are grateful for.
Take some time in silence reflection to look back on your growth this year and celebrate the little victories. What are you thankful for? It could be people, new experiences, new revelations or lessons learnt. And I totally get it - if you feel like the entire year was a garbage fire and the last thing you want to do is force yourself to think of things you’re grateful for or to sit with your emotions because you fear you can’t handle it at this point in time, that’s completely okay too. We’ve all been there!
#3 Set boundaries and manage expectations.
Something I learned from a close friend: she published a story on Instagram to list out the various things she was going to be busy with, in the month of December and apologized in advance for slow replies or the inability to meet to catch up. I did the same thing the very next day, and it felt so liberating. Another part of managing expectations during this period is related to Christmas shopping/gift exchange. If this causes you more stress than excitement (e.g. because of the added expenditure or time you need to dedicate to shopping), it might be good to voice out that perhaps you’d sit out the secret Santa this year, or that you prefer to do something meaningful together instead of receiving and giving presents / material things. People who love you will understand and respect your boundaries. And if people are mean to you about it, that’s just a reflection of who they are and not of you. You can only control your delivery, not people’s responses to it.
#4 Be selective with who you choose to spend your time with.
Are there certain people in your life that amplify your loneliness? Are there certain people who project their expectations onto you and make you feel extra anxious? At the same time, are there certain people who see you and love you exactly the way you are, and it doesn’t feel like a chore hanging out with them? Are there certain people who go out of their way to listen to you and hold space for you when you are having a rough time? Are there certain people you feel like you can be your raw, authentic self around, and do not make you feel the pressure to put up a false pretence? Spend time with people who energize you, who give you life, rather than exhaust and drain you.
#5 Set goals for the holiday period and be intentional with how you spend your time.
Write down what is important to you. If you strip away everyone else’s expectations of you, what is it that you want to do, or how do you want to spend your time this season? A Harvard Business Review survey revealed that people who “set goals for their holidays indicated being 8% happier than those who didn’t. This difference in happiness emerged regardless of gender, age, employment, income, marital status, frequency of working from home, or the number of dependents.” Creating a plan for how you envision spending your time off would allow you to make the most of this time to rest and recover in a way that works for you. But do make sure that achieving these goals doesn’t become another source of stress, so build in flexibility into the plan, and while it’s good to try to achieve these goals you’ve set for yourself, remember that it is okay as well if you fail to accomplish them.
#6 Break down your to-do list into small, easy, actionable steps.
Your to-do list during the holidays can seem extra intimidating, to the point of paralysis. Break it down. It could be as simple as wiping your countertop or reorganizing your closet. When you tackle these things one by one, you’ll feel a sense of accomplishment which results in the release of dopamine, the “achievement hormone”, one of the four “DOSE happiness hormones”.
#7 Be mindful of alcohol abuse/binge drinking during this period.
Alcohol has been proven to be a depressant. It slows down the brain and processes in the central nervous system, reduces stimulation and alters your consciousness, thoughts, and mood. According to this article, “the risk of suicide is as much as eight times greater when someone is abusing alcohol” as alcohol can “lower a person’s inhibitions enough for them to act on suicidal thoughts.” Rash, impulsive decisions are more commonly made when under the influence of alcohol, as “it suppresses activity in parts of the brain associated with inhibition. Any warning signals that may have kicked in if a person was sober are unlikely to work, which can lead to actions they might not otherwise have taken – including self-harm and suicide.” Also, taking alcohol while on antidepressants or other medication for mental illness can have very dangerous effects. Personally, I try (as much as I can) to stay off the bottle when I’m sad or angry and drink only when I’m in the mood for celebration. For me, when I drink excessively to escape a painful reality or my own loneliness (e.g. after a big argument with a loved one or upon some painful realization), it never ends well. It has put me in compromising or unsafe situations many times before, and the next day as I’m nursing an impossible hangover, I feel even more terrible about myself and/or my situation. So if you find yourself in a position of temptation (e.g. you are surrounded by alcohol) during this period, try to take the necessary steps to remove yourself from the situation.
#8 Focus on self-care. What does self-care look like to you?
The phrase “do more of what makes you happy” is a cringey Tumblr-ish quote, but it’s so true. Self-care looks different for everybody. For some, it’s the practice of meditation. For some, it’s spending time with loved ones. For some, it’s exercising and eating clean. For some, it’s shutting off their phones and lying on the couch for hours on end doing nothing. Figure out your brand of self-care and do more of it.
To all fellow lonely/anxious hearts out there, I hope this blog post makes you feel less alone in your struggles. Many of us find it hard to believe that “it’s the most wonderful time of the year”. While we can’t control how the holidays will make us feel, we can at least control what we do to prioritize ourselves, our mental health and our emotional needs.