Two Sides to an Eating Disorder

In a recent talk we hosted, “Two sides to an eating disorder”, our panellists, Nels and Nicole Friets, shared about their caregiver-patient and father-daughter relationship that was central to Nicole’s recovery from anorexia. Despite the initial unfamiliarity with anorexia and difficulties in navigating the condition together, it is touching to see how much stronger their relationship has grown over time. 

Here are a few takeaways from the talk:

1. Eating disorders are about more than just food and weight

“There were so many other emotions that were involved. Every day felt like an internal battle and it is very hard to articulate just how tormenting it is to just be constantly thinking about food,” Nicole recalls.

The thoughts that come with an eating disorder are so consuming, it can be hard to be present with anyone. During meal times, it is not just about the food on the table but the thoughts surrounding that like the amount of calories in the food and how it might affect one’s body.

 “You have to face the thing you fear the most three times a day,” says Nicole. Unlike recovery from other forms of addiction, where the substance of choice might be avoidable, this isn’t the case with recovery from an eating disorder. Food is everywhere and central to so many things, regardless of where you come from. 

For those recovering from eating disorders, external triggers can influence their relationship with food. From Nels’ observation of his daughter over time, he found that “controlling food became a coping mechanism for any stress that would appear”. If things didn’t go as planned or if someone said something mean, the immediate reaction from Nicole was to restrict.

Initially, Nels was taught to be like the “food police” — to help Nicole face her fear by making sure she ate and finished her food. However, this brought on a lot of stress and aggression which affected their father-daughter relationship negatively.  It took time, but eventually Nels realised the importance of allowing Nicole to learn how to eat by herself and for herself, not anyone else.

2. Recovery is a non-linear process

Just like other mental health conditions, recovery from an eating disorder does not happen overnight and is a journey that has its fair share of ups and downs. 

During her process of recovery, Nicole has had to constantly redefine her relationship with food and exercise. “People might think relapsing means [losing a lot of weight] but it could mean going back to controlling food intake or isolating yourself,” she explains. “I still eat healthy and workout but it’s a different kind of relationship with those things.”

As Nicole goes on to talk about her relationship with her own body, she admits that it is still a work in progress. “It is not perfect, far from perfect,” she acknowledges. “There are days I do not love my body and days I do not love myself, but it’s evolving.”

In cases when she feels extra sensitive towards her body image or external comments made about her weight, Nicole adopts a variety of coping mechanisms to manage her emotions around it. She turns to her community for comfort and also relies a lot on movement – be it attending classes or spending time in nature.

The most important lesson Nicole has learned about coping mechanisms is that “you can’t put all your eggs in a basket”. She emphasises the “need to find different outlets and different ways of coping”.

“A few years ago, I would say that CrossFit was a huge coping mechanism for me. I was there all the time but when I had to stop, it was a really big slip [for me],” she recalls. “I remember waking up and I was just crying because it replaced so much of the eating disorder for a long time, but now I had to give it up for various reasons.”

Seeing Nicole backslide in her recovery process, when she has,  is admittedly heart-wrenching for Nels too. “Sometimes I don’t handle it too well,” Nels admits. “I get worried that it’s going to be more than a slip.”

However, what keeps him going is the reminder of where Nicole was and where she is now. In his words, “a bad day now would have been a great day 5 years ago”. Nels notes the improvement in the way she copes and communicates, and he finds comfort in looking at the situation from a long-term perspective.

Having had personal experience, Nels also gave some advice on how other caregivers in a similar situation can manage:

• Try to understand that an eating disorder is complex and not just about eating

• Try to understand some of the barriers that are preventing the child or the loved one from taking steps 

• Show love throughout

• Understand that the recovery process is going to be a roller coaster ride

• Learn to have patience

3. Recognise your worth

In the past, when people told her there was so much to recover for, Nicole could not understand why, but now she does.

“There’s so much more to life than food and weight,” says Nicole when asked to give a few words to those who are currently struggling with an eating disorder. “Recognise that you’re worthy just as you are.”

While it is hard to recognise one’s self-worth in the midst of all the guilt, shame and secrecy that comes with an eating disorder, Nicole suggests that those recovering see their worth not in calculative terms like their recovery progress or weight gain, but in their authentic selves.