What is Nonviolent Communication and how can we achieve it?
“It is so hard to communicate with him/her!”
Do you sometimes resonate with this statement? We are all wired differently and differences can sometimes lead to misunderstanding or conflicts, leaving us feeling frustrated or triggered.
How can we then learn to communicate with others in a more constructive manner that does not destroy the relationship and yet resolve differences peacefully?
The answer is Nonviolent Communication! Nonviolent Communication is a communication style by Marshall Rosenberg that emphasises the use of empathetic listening and compassion to connect with ourselves and others. It encourages us to express our emotions and needs clearly and calmly to reach a win-win situation.
Here are 5 steps to practising Nonviolent Communication:
1. Observe how you are feeling and why you feel this way
Recall the last time you were angry with someone. What caused you to be angry? Many times, we believed that a person’s action or situation caused our anger. However, more often than not, feel upset or triggered due to an unmet need.
For example, if a colleague fails to deliver a project on time, we may feel angry. However, it was not the colleague that caused our anger. The anger came from our unmet need of ‘wanting to complete the project on time’ and our value for ‘punctuality’.
Nonviolent Communication requires us to remove any judgement about the person or situation but to honestly look within ourselves to identify the emotion we are feeling and the reason(s) for feeling that way.
Some of the negative judgements we may have about others which distort our perception of the situation includes:
You are wrong and I am right
I am better than you
You are the problem
You did it on purpose
I cannot trust you
I expect you to know
An eye for an eye (You make things difficult for me and I will reciprocate)
Sometimes, the negative emotions do not come from the issue at hand but from other unresolved issues. If we are not aware, the negative emotions that we harbour from one issue may manifest in our communication with other people. For example, if our stress at work is not managed properly, it may lead us to talking to our loved ones with anger and irritation.
2. Seek to listen and understand
Disagreements are due to differences in opinions. Oftentimes, we lose sight of the intention of communication and try to convince the other person that we are right and they are wrong.
Instead, we should learn to first listen to other’s perspectives and seek to understand where they are coming from. Only by adopting a ‘collaboration’ instead of ‘fight’ mindset can we resolve the issue at hand and come up with a solution that benefits both parties.
3. Your tone and words matter
We can feel the emotions of the other party when we communicate. It is not just what we say but how we say it. Our tone of voice, words used and body language influence how we portray the message and how it is being received. The use of violent communication may cause the other party to feel discomfort and defensiveness.
What does violent communication look like? Some examples include:
Tone: Aggressive, fierce, hostile
Words used: Accusation, blame, threats, criticism, sarcasm, rudeness”
Body language/facial expression: Folding arms, finger pointing, eyes widening, brows narrowing
Learning to adopt a Nonviolent Communication style will help us convey the same message in a positive and kinder manner.
For example, instead of saying ‘You always do not listen to me. You are such a rude person,’ say ‘I feel upset because I was ignored.” Using ‘I’ language instead of ‘You’ takes away the blame and aggressiveness and avoids further conflict.
4. Learn to express your needs constructively
One mistake we may fall into is assuming that others know what we are thinking or feeling and how they should behave. However, this is not always true. Therefore, communicating and expressing our needs is crucially important for good communication.
For example, if we value punctuality and a friend is late for our appointment, instead of being angry and ignoring the friend, learn to express our unhappiness by saying “I am upset that you are late for our appointment as I value punctuality. Could you stick to the agreed time next time or inform me if you will be late?” Being able to express our unhappiness and needs help creates understanding.
5. Putting it all together
When we are aware of our emotions and their causes, we can express how we are feeling to the other party without judgement or blame. At the same time, when we learn to listen and empathise with others, we can see things from another perspective and collaborate better.
By adopting a mindset of cooperating instead of winning, and being mindful of what we say and how we say it, we will be able to articulate our words in a nonviolent manner for a win-win outcome!
Nonviolent Communication is empowering ourselves to take responsibility for our own feelings and needs, while letting go of how others behave.
Would you like to give that a try the next time?
Source:
Rosenberg, 2015 - Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Compassion