5 Signs of a Toxic Friendship
Oftentimes, we look to our friends during times of crisis. As the old adage goes, “a friend in need is a friend indeed.” We build safe spaces in our friendships, to not only share our woes but also our dreams and secrets too. But what happens when these friends become the very source of your crisis? What happens when friendships become anything but safe? Toxic friendships can bring more trouble than it’s worth so it’s good to spot the signs of one before it’s too late:
1. No boundaries, no (me) time
It’s always fun to spend time with your besties. A healthy amount of interaction, regardless of your extroversion tendency, is good for the soul and helps you feel less alone in the world.
But when you find yourself struggling to carve out time for yourself, when a friend is constantly reaching out to you till it feels like you’ve not spent a day without some kind of interaction with them, it can feel rather stifling.
Personally, this was something I had to learn to un-do too. I thought friendships meant constantly checking in with one another and being ready to talk. After all, pop culture and media tend to glorify high-maintenance friendships, with things like meeting at the same coffee place everyday for countless years (read: F.R.I.E.N.D.S) or dropping all your plans and being by your friend’s side when something bad happens (read: almost every time the main character faces a break up).
But sometimes, being away from your friends is exactly what you need. It helps you figure things out in your life, rest, re-charge and find it in yourself to want to reconnect with your friends. Having boundaries is the perfect way to ensure your friendship develops at a pace everyone can feel comfortable with.
2. Is this asymmetrical?
Ever heard of “main character syndrome”?
It’s not a real syndrome or mental health issue. Rather it was a TikTok trend where people pretended to be the “main character” of their lives in an almost fictional way. But there’s a flavour of this seemingly joking trend in real life.
Does your friend do most of the talking? Does the conversation revolves mainly around their issues and it feels like they only ever want to meet up when they need something from you?
Having such a friend might make you feel like you’re merely a supporting character in their lives. That perhaps their stories, their issues and they matter more in the friendship than you do.
No one likes being in a one-sided relationship, romantic or platonic. So if you find yourself constantly being sidelined by your friend, perhaps it is time to voice your concerns to them. Remember that friendships should celebrate all parties involved. It’s a two-way street where both friends should be open to listening to each other and helping the other out. Only then can we feel like we are truly appreciated as a friend.
3. It’s just straight-up negativity
While the aforementioned toxic traits are rather minor, some toxic friendships show their horns without any subtleties. In friendships where you are constantly fighting or your friend is incessantly insulting you and hurting your feelings, it becomes slightly more apparent that you might be dealing with a toxic friend.
In fact, sometimes the friendship might even devolve into psychological and emotional manipulation, at which point it is definitely a red flag and you might consider finding a way out.
Fortunately, I don’t have much personal experience with this but an extreme example would be Alison DiLaurentis from the show, Pretty Little Liars. She constantly manipulates her friends by lying to them to get what she wants and toys with their emotions, making them feel like she cares before she reveals how she actually doesn’t.
If friends are our “chosen family”, as some say, then it’s worth recognising that we shouldn’t allow such negativity to seep into our lives. If it gets to a point where it is harder to find the silver lining in the friendship than the bad times, it is worth re-evaluating if this is a friendship worth keeping.
4. You’re not you when you’re with them
I remember how this was the biggest indicator for me to step back from certain friendships. We want our friends to be able to accept us, flaws and all. Even though we may have our differences, friendships should be safe enough to communicate such things without feeling invalidated or unheard.
However, if you find yourself hiding certain information from them, withholding aspects of your life for fear of how they’d react to it, then it should raise some alarm bells to you.
Oftentimes, we find ourselves withholding information from someone when we feel they can’t be trusted with said information. We no longer feel safe telling these things, especially if it leaves us in a more vulnerable state.
I, for one, can attest to feeling this way. For me, it started with something that was slightly more intuitive, my personality. I’m generally someone who’s very open, vulnerable and possibly overly enthusiastic around people, especially my loved ones. So when I was around a certain group of friends, I noticed I no longer felt comfortable being as honest and excited as normal. Thankfully, I came to amicable terms with these friends on the fact that perhaps we’ve simply outgrown each other.
5. Just constantly feeling drained
Ultimately, the biggest sign of a toxic friendship is probably the one that comes most natural to us: our bodily response.
Do you find yourself feeling extremely exhausted after meeting them? (And not in a good way like you had a thoroughly fun and eventful day). Do you dread meeting up with them? Or do you look forward to possibly cancelling your plans with them?
If you answered yes to most of these questions, that might just be your body (and gut) telling you this is a friendship you don’t enjoy. While these things might also be symptomatic of other things like burnout or introversion in isolation, a constant aversion to a friend might just be a manifestation of your inherent unhappiness with them.
It’s worth adding a caveat here that perhaps this aversion stems from other things like an unresolved conflict or not being in the best mental state for interactions with them. So do take the time to ask yourself why you feel like you want to avoid a friend or feel exhausted by them?
Recognising a toxic friendship is important and knowing these toxic traits is worthwhile. However, it’s also good to realise that it is entirely possible for friends to exhibit “toxic” tendencies without themselves being completely toxic too. Perhaps they are experiencing certain struggles as well and even though this does not justify their behaviour, it explains it.
Moving forward, the choice is then up to you to make what you will with their explanations. Toxic friendships need not be irreversible and unrepairable. It is also possible for some friends to be “toxic” per se without even realising it simply because they are unaware of such things like boundaries and making space for one another in conversations. So make the most of your own discernment and choose how you would like to approach such friendships, be it with an intervention or by completely cutting them off.
References:
https://www.choosingtherapy.com/toxic-friends/
https://www.psychologytoday.com/sg/blog/lifetime-connections/202201/8-signs-toxic-friendship