A long mental war with my own body
About five years ago, I heard of the term ‘body dysmorphia’ and began to wonder if I had it. Although my own view of my body did not prevent me from socialising and eating well, I could never shake off this idea that I never had an ideal body. Looking back, there were small windows of my teenage and adulthood where I felt that I had achieved that ideal body, but when I looked at old photographs of myself it was very clear that I was thin, but why had I not felt it was so?
There were probably many factors that contributed to my own misconception; in hindsight, it was shaped by a combination of images of celebrities in movies, social media posts and even my mother’s own warped sense of the ideal body. I realised that I was never fully satisfied with my body weight and shape; there was always something wrong that I could point out.
This feeling has waxed and waned with the transformation of my body as I age and as I began to do resistance training. Fortunately, I was also surrounded by personal trainers and friends who have shared the knowledge of understanding and appreciating the latency of my body. With muscles came strength, but it also meant that I was transforming to become bigger and heavier. This in turn led to a cognitive dissonance: before I started training and gaining muscle mass, I had mistakenly thought that my body will transform to be lithe and muscular, like a gymnast’s. What I forgot to factor in was my natural body type and shape.
That I could no longer fit into many of my old clothes created an unprecedented form of mental conflict even as I was getting stronger and achieving new personal bests at the gym: yes, but being bigger was not my plan. These past three years have been a progression of a form of mental stasis that was physically manifested in my wardrobe, which I didn’t want to change and which made me conclude that the only way was for me to “lose weight/lose flab”. My mental battles with my body have been compounded by my contradictory desire to continue resistance training and build up strength.
Some time last year, I decided to buy a new pair of black jeans as the old one was very worn out. I surprised myself by buying half a size larger so that it will accommodate my next muscle-growth cycle. The act of wearing a pair of jeans where I did not have to “fight” the tightness around the waist or the overly snug fit made me decide that it was again time to let go.
That day I had an epiphany: this is what a pair of jeans that actually fit felt like. I had mentally locked myself into a perceived impasse and I had to stop telling myself it’s OK to hang on to old clothes because one day I will be able to wear them again. What I needed was to break out of the self-imposed limitations and move on. What I needed to do was to be kind about my wardrobe choices going forward, mindfully selecting material and quality of make that have longevity and will also be able to accommodate my literal and metaphorical growth.
After that day, I have since started another round of decluttering and opted to give away clothes to friends or to donate them to not-for-profit organizations. It was a quiet feeling of satisfaction that I felt this time as I slowly restocked my wardrobe with pieces that can and will accommodate the changing seasons of my body. Slowly, I could feel myself mentally relaxed when I pick through my wardrobe not as an adversary and with shame of my bodily changes, but with empathy and room to be more of myself - even if it means being bigger.