How to talk kindly to yourself
“I don’t think I can do this. I am such a disappointment” – Have you noticed how you speak to yourself? We try our best to be kind to others – to motivate them — with the most thoughtful words — “You can do this.” “You are not a disappointment.” But do we talk to ourselves like this?
If you believe that you are a disappointment, you may never be able to try harder. Chad Lawson, in his “You Are Not a Disappointment” podcast episode (Calm it Down) describes the difference between “disappointing” someone and “being a disappointment” – how the way we address ourselves can make us feel. “We all do things that disappoint others, and we all do things that disappoint ourselves, but that doesn’t make us a disappointment. We all make mistakes, and it is inevitable,” says Chad Lawson. “We all have something special to offer, so take the time to celebrate your own individual gifts. Don’t compare.” — I am confident that taking these small steps will make you kinder to yourself and not just others.
Negative self-talk can significantly hurt your self-esteem. It may make you feel less worthy. But you deserve to be treated with kindness. And this starts with oneself. So, how can you talk kindly to yourself?
Let me put this in three easy steps for you.
Recognise if a negative thought occurs
Recognise if a negative thought occurs
Often we can’t even recognize if the way we talk to ourselves isn’t healthy. So how do you identify your negative thoughts?
Here are a few of the most frequently occurring negative thoughts that you might encounter, and of course, the list remains non-exhaustive:
Blaming yourself for everything
Always thinking of the worst-case scenario
Excessively thinking of the things you could have done the other way
I would also recommend you pen down your inner dialogues and look for a pattern — see if something causes you to think a certain way and how that affects you.
Reframe the thought by rephrasing it
Reframing, when put in simpler words, means rephrasing your thoughts. And here we are talking about going from negative to positive reframing. It is one of the most effective tools of therapy.
“I am not good enough.” Well, this is something that most of us often think about. I also do, and just like you, I’m also on the journey to be kinder to myself.
Over the past three years in college, I have realized that you can’t know everything (I’ve personally struggled with this). Once you notice a thought that occurred to you isn’t helpful, try to reframe it positively.
This technique is called Reframing. It was new to me until I realized how I address myself isn’t healthy, and I needed to change that. I came across this short article from Harvard University titled “Positive Reframing and Examining the Evidence,” which talks about the two reappraisal types which can help you translate those negative thoughts into positive self-talk. It talks about two types — positive reframing and examining the evidence. And positive reframing is what we are trying to achieve here.
Examining the evidence involves examining the assumptions you make about how other people are thinking or likely to behave. Since we tend to overestimate the extent to which an act may affect us, it becomes crucial to examine such thoughts.
For this, you have to consider the evidence for and against the thought. For example, the thought “I’m not good enough,” strikes you. Now let’s examine the evidence in favor of this thought:
I take longer to complete my tasks than others, and
I am not making as much as other people in the same field
Now let’s examine the evidence against this thought:
The time I used to take to complete my tasks has considerably reduced over time
I am a detail-oriented person
My salary is more than the majority
Now let’s assume you have to allocate a total of 100 points to the favor and the against side. After examining the evidence on both sides, we give a 20 to the favor argument and an 80 to the against argument. So here we are. We have successfully examined the evidence and based on this evidence, we may conclude that you are doing better than in the past. [1]
Talk to yourself as you would do to a Friend!
When talking to a friend, we are always mindful of our word choices so we don’t end up hurting them. Similarly, you might want to undertake such an attitude when talking to yourself. See what wonders it can do for you!
It will take time to reach a point where you can engage in positive self-talk. But next time, try rephrasing a negative thought like, “I’m terrible at this” to “I don't know how to do this because I’m a beginner. I will get better the next time I do this.”
Repeat – Find opportunities to make this into a habit
Self-compassion is not a one-time practice but rather an ongoing one. You will have to practice it daily, and gradually, you will see a transition in how you address yourself. It will be more optimistic. You can also try any of the following activities:
Positive affirmations
Hype yourself up by celebrating your small wins
Journal about a past experience you've judged yourself for and rewrite it in a way where you're being more compassionate to yourself
So next time a negative thought strikes, Recognise — Rephrase — Repeat!
—
Reference:
[1] Richard Lam, LMFT, featuring Indrani Mookerjee, DSW, LCSW-C. (January 11, 2023). “Examine the Evidence — CBT Therapy Technique”. Episode 2 of The Feeling Good Therapist. Available: https://youtu.be/1QMoQilj9v8
Other resources you can refer to:
“Change your self-talk, change your life” by Calm Collective Asia at https://www.calmcollective.asia/past-talk-replays/change-your-self-talk-change-your-life
“Be Kinder to Yourself” by Alice Boyes at https://hbr.org/2021/01/be-kinder-to-yourself