Can we still date with a mental health condition?

Dating is an experience that can be simultaneously rewarding and challenging. However when one is also dealing with a mental health condition, dealing with the ups and downs of dating can be compounded by additional insecurities like whether one is even worthy of pursuing a relationship. During our February Talk, ‘Dating with a mental health condition’, we learnt from our respective panelists (Nicolette Yeo, Eugene Ling, Mahima Gupta) that we can still pursue a rewarding relationship regardless of the difficulties we face with mental health conditions. 

Here’s a roundup of the important lessons we’ve learnt from this discussion: 

1) Transparency is key 

Unsurprisingly, the importance of transparency was emphasized by every speaker - a good relationship is synonymous with iron-clad trust. But the presence of mental health conditions also complicates the extent of our transparency, given the stigma surrounding mental health conditions today. However, informing our partners of our respective issues can be beneficial. 

In particular, Eugene addressed the cathartic effect he experienced when he shared his mental health conditions with his partner and how it strengthened the stability of his relationship. He shared the looming sense of guilt he felt prior to this and how it affected the strength of his relationship. Nicolette also agreed with Eugene’s views on the benefits of mutual exchange.

Adding to their points, Mahima, a clinical psychologist, emphasized on the importance of transparency in avoiding conflicts and forging trust, especially in a relationship wherein either party is struggling with a mental health condition. 

2) It's important to retain your individualism 

Dealing with a mental health condition and pursuing a relationship simultaneously can cultivate an unhealthy dependence on our partner for support at the expense of cultivating ourselves. In such instances, it's important to realize that our individual growth is a strengthening factor rather than an impeding one in relationships. For instance, Nicolette described the renewed sense of confidence she exuded when she focused on developing her intrinsic self worth and how it strengthened the dynamic of her relationship. 

Mahima described the important role which individual growth occupies in relationship therapy and how it alters the dimensions of a relationship in a positive, unifying manner. Eugene described a similar epiphany he had during therapy - he realised that his self worth was tied to his relationship due to an irrational fear of being individualistic. With the support of his therapist, Eugene focused on strengthening his identity, which visibly bolstered his relationship. 

3) The mental health conditions which manifest in our relationships could be caused by deep-seated issues in our past

When we encounter difficulties during relationships, we may struggle to pinpoint the source of these difficulties and reflect obsessively on recent events. However, these difficulties could instead be the manifestation of deep-seated issues which we have faced from our adolescence that were never addressed before.

For instance, witnessing difficult emotional circumstances from a young age can influence our interactions in relationships. Eugene shared the erratic behaviors he exhibited in his relationships during his 20s, and how therapy made him realize that these tendencies stemmed from events in his childhood which had never been fully addressed. Nicolette also shared her draining experience as a ‘fixer’ in her family due to the tumultuous nature of her parents’ marriage and how therapy made her realize that this role manifested into a fear of abandonment and an irrational obsession with ‘making the right decision’ in relationships. 

Mahima explained the therapeutic perspective of this process, highlighting how our perceptions of interactions between our parents affects our perspective of relationships. In particular,she addressed how these thoughts manifest themselves unconsciously in our attachment styles as adults. For instance, insecure attachment styles may stem from a longing from a fear of abandonment as a result of encountering this experience. Similarly, ambivalent attachment styles may stem from a fear of commitment as a result of witnessing extraneous relationships. 

Great relationships are based on reciprocity, which are important regardless of our respective conditions. By being open with each other, trusting each other, and letting go of our past, we can develop strong synergies which are the foundation of strong relationships, regardless of who we are.