Crazy-in-limerence: How having a crush can affect your mental health
Psychologist Dorothy Tennov coined the term limerence in the 1970s. It describes the state of when we have powerful romantic feelings for someone we hope will feel the same way. Limerence is about wanting to be loved back even if it's not mutual, like a crush that occupies our thoughts while love means caring for others¹.
A crush can develop into limerence in stages: Infatuation, Crystallization, and Deterioration².
Infatuation
A stage where you are thinking about the person every day. You may even have insomnia thinking about them.
Crystallization
A stage where you are forming a positive image and outlook of that person, regardless if they live up to that expectation. You may see only their good qualities and overlook their flaws.
Deterioration
A stage where you may form a negative view of your crush as the illusion of their idealized persona breaks down.
I had a scary crush experience in childhood that made me afraid to have a crush again. I went from being infatuated to depressed after being rejected. Seeing her made me feel nervous, sweaty, and made me blush, which was unusual as I associated these feelings with being shocked. I became more infatuated with her, and it consumed my thoughts, wanting her to feel the same.
Thus, I did something thoughtful but was silly in the afterthought. I bought her an expensive meal using my pocket money from my parents. It caused me a lot of trouble with my parents as I used their money for her instead of getting myself a school lunch.
What happens to our brain when we’re in limerence?
When one develops a crush, the brain creates a mixture of powerful neurochemicals with different effects³.
The “happy” chemicals: dopamine, phenylethylamine(PEA), and serotonin:
Dopamine links to feelings of pleasure and satisfaction, and when we see or think about our crush, it is released, leading to a possible addiction to that person⁴.
Phenylethylamine, known as PEA, makes us feel dizzy when attracted to a person for the first time. It is because PEA boosts dopamine production, which leads to high levels of physical and emotional energy in people with high levels of PEA⁵.
Serotonin is a neurotransmitter that plays a role in maintaining mood, balance, appetite, and sleep. When we develop a crush, serotonin levels decrease with an increase in cortisol, making it common to experience sleeplessness⁶.
The “Fight or flight” chemicals: adrenaline and cortisol
Attraction to someone can also increase our adrenaline and cortisol levels⁷, hormones that are released during a human stress response. This is why we may feel a faster heartbeat, more energy, higher alertness, less appetite, feel sweaty, and even nauseous when we’re around our crush⁸.
These chemical interactions with the brain are subconscious. It makes the experience of having a crush become a unique and involuntary event⁹.
Interestingly, studies have shown that having a crush on someone from afar can reap benefits to the person to boost work or school performance, increasing self-esteem and decreasing loneliness¹⁰. The major problem with having a crush is that over long periods, there can be a deterioration in the person's behavior.
When Can Limerence Become Problematic?
This brings us back to limerence. In my experience, limerence caused me to feel angry, and sad, and have vivid dreams about her for months, which affected my behavior. My parents found my mental state worse than before.
The advice they had given me was to talk to my crush about it politely and express the feelings to stop the limerence. The next day, I confessed to her about it, and she kindly rejected my feelings, as she did not have the same feelings reciprocated. That left me very sad, and I cried when I got home from school. I put a lot of effort into wooing her, but I failed. It took me a while to accept it and move on.
The reason that limerence becomes problematic is that when the affection is not reciprocated, the person can tend to¹¹:
Fantasize or read for signs of reciprocation.
Feel anxious about being rejected
Over-analyze texts and gestures to find some hint of reciprocity
Develop emotional attachment and dependency.
Here are some strategies to overcome limerence¹²:
You can try to distance yourself from your crush and limit contact to reduce the constant thoughts about them.
Engage in activities that promote self-care, e.g. playing sports, reading, and socializing with friends.
Have self-awareness that time is a virtue when dealing with limerence, as it will fade with time.
Try to find friends that can be your source of strength and support.
As humans, it is natural to have a crush on someone, as it is human nature to seek connection and love. However, the one key trait between a healthy relationship in love and limerence is being self-aware of your mental state when being in love.
References:
What is limerence? definition and stages (2023) Attachment Project. Available at: https://www.attachmentproject.com/love/limerence/ (Accessed: 27 August 2023).
Nyadeline Mejia (2023) If you keep having intrusive thoughts about a crush, you may be experiencing limerence, Women’s Health. Available at: https://www.womenshealthmag.com/relationships/a44448909/limerence-meaning/ (Accessed: 29 August 2023).
LaMotte, S. (2020) Are you in love or just high on chemicals in your brain? answer: YES, CNN. Available at: https://edition.cnn.com/2020/02/14/health/brain-on-love-wellness/index.html (Accessed: 27 August 2023).
Psychneuro (2022) The neuroscience behind having a Crush, On Psychology and Neuroscience. Available at: https://psych-neuro.com/2022/03/04/the-neuroscience-behind-having-a-crush/ (Accessed: 27 August 2023).
Bell-Young, L. (2022) The Chemistry of Love, ReAgent Chemical Services. Available at: https://www.reagent.co.uk/blog/the-chemistry-of-love/ (Accessed: 09 September 2023).
The 3 stages of love and hormones (2015) Houston Medical Clinic - Hormone Replacement - Age Management - Weight Loss. Available at: https://www.myvitawellness.com/3-stages-love-hormones/ (Accessed: 27 August 2023).
Advanced Neurotherapy, P. (2019) The brain in love, advanced neurotherapy. Available at: https://www.advancedneurotherapy.com/blog/2015/02/19/love-brain-body#:~:text=Combined%20with%20the%20adrenaline%20your,adds%20to%20stress%20you%20experience.&text=Aside%20from%20the%20slightly%20scary,which%20are%20generated%20by%20dopamine. (Accessed: 27 August 2023).
Tigar, L. (2016) How your body reacts when you fall in Love, CNN. Available at: https://edition.cnn.com/2016/02/12/health/your-body-on-love/index.html (Accessed: 27 August 2023).
Naftulin, J. (2018) Here’s why you develop crushes, according to science, Insider. Available at: https://www.insider.com/reasons-for-crushes-science-2018-11 (Accessed: 27 August 2023).
Guerra, J. (2018) Science says having a crush might have this one weird effect on your everyday behavior, Elite Daily. Available at: https://www.elitedaily.com/p/how-does-having-a-crush-affect-you-science-says-it-can-make-you-crave-this-one-thing-13202505#:~:text=According%20to%20Glatter%2C%20because%20having,a%20form%20of%20self%2Dmotivation. (Accessed: 27 August 2023).
Higgins, Dr.J. (no date) ERP 105: HOW TO DEAL WITH LIMERENCE IN RELATIONSHIP, Drjessicahiggins.com. Available at: https://drjessicahiggins.com/erp-105-dealing-with-limerence-in-relationships/ (Accessed: 27 August 2023).
Overcoming limerence: Practical steps to move on from obsessive love (2023) United we care: OVERCOMING LIMERENCE: PRACTICAL STEPS TO MOVE ON FROM OBSESSIVE LOVE. Available at: https://www.unitedwecare.com/overcoming-limerence-practical-steps-to-move-on-from-obsessive-love/ (Accessed: 27 August 2023).