Dealing with grief after pregnancy loss with Dr Mary Sawdon - Podcast Shownotes
Nothing is more full of life, potential, and possibility than the experience of expecting a child, of carrying new life and waiting to bring it into the world. Unfortunately, miscarriage occurs in about 20% of pregnancies, with 1% of women experiencing recurrent miscarriages.
Despite the frequency of these losses and their impact on those who experience them, they are rarely talked about. While miscarriages may be undoubtedly hard, opening about the loss and grief may help create a sense of community and connectedness during an otherwise isolating time for these women.
Podcast Excerpt
The following interview has been edited for brevity and clarity
Alyssa: When did you plan to have your first child?
Mary: Right after we got married, we immediately planned to start having kids. I was about 32 when we started trying for a baby and it was like crickets right after. It took a year and a few months until I finally got pregnant.
Women under the age of 35 who aren’t able to conceive after a year of unprotected intercourse would be diagnosed with infertility. For women over 35, it would be 6 months. With my medical background, I had that information in the back of my head, but we didn’t seek medical help at that point. Looking back at that time, I felt like I was still young. I had no family history of infertility or any known medical diagnoses that will contribute to infertility. So I was confident that I would eventually fall pregnant.
I think I was misguided and thought I was healthy and that things would be easy. I know lots of women who fall pregnant within a few months of actively trying to conceive and I never in my wildest imagination thought I would have a problem.
Alyssa: How did you cope with infertility and the feelings [associated with it]?
Mary: I think I didn’t. I just brushed it off and wanted to keep trying. I was in denial and thought that we didn’t need help. Eventually, I fell pregnant but experienced a miscarriage after that.
I suffered from having to deal with infertility right after that miscarriage. In terms of coping with that, I didn’t deal with it very much. I was in Naturopathic medical school at that time and I just threw myself in school, burying my head in the sand.
Alyssa: How did you respond to people asking “why don’t you have kids?”
Mary: I changed the subject and talked about something else but deep inside, I was very annoyed when people brought that up. But I would just say, “I’m in school now, maybe next year when I’m done”.
I also had a naturopathic doctor that I saw when I was still in school and that helped in taking care of my physical and mental health. I also saw the school counsellor at the time and talking about how I felt also helped me cope with infertility.
Alyssa: How do you think your experience with grief was compared to your husband’s?
Mary: I think it was different from mine. He wasn’t emotional at all. He kept a lot of the emotions about the loss to himself. He was sad but I think he was also trying to be strong for me. He wouldn’t cry in front of me or show emotions so much in front of me. But he did tell me that when he talked about it with a close friend, he cried and was emotional.
Alyssa: How did you deliver the news of your pregnancy to your immediate family and how did they receive it?
Mary: They were mostly in shock. My mom and sister were stunned and didn’t know what to say, so they were mostly quiet. I know I have no right to be judgemental but I remember thinking at that moment that I didn’t feel supported enough.
I also remember telling a classmate that I had just met a few days after school started about the miscarriage. She didn’t say anything at all but she hugged me. That was a good way to respond to someone who just told you something heavy.
I think sometimes people want to help fix things immediately or give advice, but the most helpful thing is just being there for someone, listening to the story or even just offering a hug and shoulder to cry on. I think this is one of the best ways to support someone going through a miscarriage
Alyssa: How did it feel to have to go through such a harrowing experience a second time?
Mary: After the first miscarriage, I eventually had our first son. We decided to try for a second child when he was one year old. After a few months, I fell pregnant again. I had my early ultrasound at seven-weeks, it kind of felt like deja vu because the technician would not meet my eye. This time, she broke protocol and told me that there’s no heartbeat. My doctor came and saw me the same day and confirmed what I had just been told. The doctor warned us that things were not looking good and I should expect to miscarry in the next few days, which was what happened. I plunged into sadness and hopelessness once again. I know I have my son, but I also mourned my miscarried child. It was December at the time and the holiday season made things worse for me since it was supposed to be such a joyful time.
Again, I was grieving the future of what could have been. There’s so much invisible grief to miscarriage because no one knew that I was pregnant the second time around, except for our parents.
This time around, I decided to open up and talk about what I was going through. During my first miscarriage, I felt like I held on to the trauma for so long, because I refused to talk about it.
Alyssa: What compelled you to speak up this time?
Mary: It was instinctual. I just felt compelled to share it with people and not bottle it up and keep it to myself. The more I talked about my loss, the better I was able to cope. So, I just kept talking to more people and my husband about it. It felt the load was lifted from my shoulders, and my heart didn’t feel as heavy as it did when I had the first miscarriage, which was great.
I still grieved, had time off from work and from being a mom - my husband gave me a lot of space to grieve after Christmas. He brought our son to my in-law’s place and gave me my space so I can grieve on my own and be there for myself. To have time off of being a mom, a wife to be alone and just cry felt so therapeutic.
In the new year, I decided to be proactive and double down on my health, both physically and mentally. I decided that I was going to be healthy in terms of food, I exercised, took supplements, practised self-care and read all the studies and books that I could on how to optimize my health after a miscarriage. I found that it helped me.
Alyssa: What compelled you to do self-care this time around?
Mary: I wanted to try a different approach from what I did after the first miscarriage. I didn’t want to feel depressed for a whole year after having a miscarriage. So I decided I want to take care of myself so that when we do try for another child, I’ll be the healthiest I can be.
Alyssa: What did you wish you knew during your first miscarriage that you know now?
Mary: I wish I embraced my grief fully instead of putting it on the back burner. Despite it being uncomfortable for myself or the listeners, I think talking about it was therapeutic.
Alyssa: People may not know what to say to somebody who has just lost a pregnancy. What are some of the most insensitive comments that you received, and how did you deal with them?
Mary: One of them was, “at least you know you can fall pregnant” or “you can always have another”. When people say that, at that moment, I’m thinking, “I don’t want another baby, I want this baby.” People might mean well, but at the moment, I just wanted and needed to grieve the baby I had just lost.
Sometimes people would ask “oh what did you do?”. Which isn’t helpful at all, stop blaming the woman when they did not do anything wrong to cause the baby to miscarry.
Other times, people would say that everything happens for a reason or that it’s for the best. I would think given all the physical and emotional pain that a miscarriage brings, how is this better?
Alyssa: What would you advise them to say?
Mary: I think people can just say “I’m sorry”, “What can I do to help you?”, “I’m here for you.” and simple things like offering a hug, or a shoulder to cry on. Those are enough. If people don’t acknowledge the experience of miscarriage, or they decide to change a topic, the lack of comments can be hurtful as well.
It feels kind of dismissive of someone’s feeling or even someone’s experience of the loss. Don’t just ignore them or not say anything. Through actions or words, say “I’m sorry”, or “I’m here for you”.
Calm Conversations is a podcast series launched and facilitated by Calm Collective Asia. As a means of sharing personal experiences, lessons, and advice, we speak to people from all walks of life about topics that are universally relevant yet often still taboo in the hope of normalising conversations about mental health.
Available on Spotify, Google, and Apple, you can tune in whenever and wherever. We hope that by listening in, you feel less alone, learn something new, and find the courage to continue these conversations with the people around you. Stay calm!
Resources:
Books:
Outer Order Inner Calm by Gretchen Rubin
Affirmation cards:
Guided Meditation:
Connect with Dr Mary Sawdon: