How to be a supportive listener for someone in crisis

Tips & Resources
Written By Team Calm Collective

When someone we care about is in crisis, our immediate instinct might be to swoop in and offer solutions. While our intentions are good, it's crucial to remember that what they need most in that moment is not a fixer, but a compassionate listener.

Being a supportive listener during a crisis is vital as it validates feelings, reduces isolation, empowers the individual to express themselves and understand their situation, helps de-escalate the crisis by creating a sense of safety, and encourages them to seek further help when needed.

On World Suicide Prevention Day (10th September), we’d like to share 6 ways you can truly be there by being a supportive listener for someone in crisis.

1. Practise active listening

It’s crucial to resist the urge to jump into problem-solving mode, as you might not have the full picture of their situation, and premature advice could be unhelpful.

Instead, focus on actively listening. This means giving them your undivided attention through verbal and non-verbal cues, such as:

  • Non-verbal: Making eye contact

  • Non-verbal: Nodding to show understanding

  • Verbal: Reflecting back what they say to ensure you understand them correctly. For example:

    • “It sounds like you're carrying a lot of anger and it's feeling incredibly intense, almost like it's about to boil over. Did I understand that correctly?”

Another powerful way to practise active listening is to ask open-ended questions to encourage them to open up, such as:

  • "How long have you been feeling this way?"

  • "Would you like to talk about what's going on?"

  • "Is there anything in particular that triggered these feelings?"

  • "Are there any specific thoughts or worries that are particularly troubling you?"

When you actively listen, you're sending a powerful message: "I'm here for you, and I care." This can be a lifeline for someone in crisis who might feel isolated and overwhelmed by their emotions.

2. Provide a calm and safe space for them to share their thoughts

In a crisis situation, emotions can be overwhelming, preventing them from thinking rationally and practically.

It can also feel incredibly scary to hear your loved one expressing the desire to end their life. However, it’s necessary to not act alarmed once you hear those words. Your calm presence can make a world of difference to them. To create a calm and safe environment, you can:

  • Maintain a gentle and reassuring tone of voice.

    • Speak at a slightly slower pace than usual.

    • Speak softly and avoid raising your voice, even if the person is agitated.

    • Avoid a monotone voice. Gently modulate your pitch to convey empathy and warmth.

    • Pause briefly between sentences to give the person time to absorb your words and respond if they wish.

  • Validate their feelings. You could say something like:

    • "It sounds like you're feeling overwhelmed right now, and that's completely understandable."

    • "I can hear the fear in your voice, and I want you to know it's okay to be scared right now."

3. Address any safety concerns you may have

If you're worried they might be thinking about self-harm, it's okay to ask directly. Often, our instinct might be to shy away from the topic to avoid bringing attention to self-harm. However, it’s important to remember that if someone brings up an issue, chances are that they do want to talk about it. To avoid bringing up defensiveness, ensure that you ask about their safety in a compassionate manner.

If you are with them, you could say:

  • "When you say 'I wonder if it's all worth it,' are you thinking about hurting yourself?"

If you are speaking with them over the phone, you could say:

  • “I'm a bit worried about you. Could you tell me where you are right now? I just want to make sure you're safe.”

  • “If you're feeling overwhelmed or having thoughts about hurting yourself, please let me know where you are so I can help.”

Asking direct questions can help you gauge whether further escalation is needed, such as taking them to a mental health facility for immediate support.

You can also take action by removing any unsafe means (e.g. weapons, pills) in their environment.

4. Avoid guilt-tripping

Avoid phrases or sentiments that guilt-trip or blame them for their feelings. For example:

  • "But think about how your family would feel if you killed yourself!"

  • "How could you think of doing that to me!"

While your concern is natural, these statements can be incredibly hurtful. They create distance and make them less likely to open up to you in the future.

Instead, focus on validating their emotions and offering unwavering support, even if you don't fully understand what they're going through. Remember, a compassionate and non-judgemental approach fosters trust and opens the door for healing.

5. Create a safety plan with them

A safety plan can be a lifeline for someone in crisis. Help them brainstorm a few coping mechanisms that they can turn to when things feel out of control. You could suggest things like:

  • Calling a trusted friend or family member

  • Engaging in a calming activity, like deep breathing or listening to soothing music

  • Going to a safe place to ground themselves

6. Encourage seeking professional help, if required

In many cases, professional help may be necessary to address the root causes of specific feelings and thoughts. Gently encourage them to consider their options. You might say:

  • "Maybe we can think about talking to a professional too. What do you think?"

  • "Sometimes it can be really helpful to talk to someone who's trained to help with these kinds of feelings. Would you be open to exploring that option?”

  • “There are places that can provide immediate help. I’m happy to go with you so you can get the support you need right now. You don’t have to go through this experience alone.”

As a friend, you could also call a hotline on your friend’s behalf. For example:

  • “I’m calling on behalf of my friend who is currently experiencing a mental health crisis. They are unable to call themselves, however I’m very concerned for their safety. Could you provide some guidance or assistance?”

It’s important to note that you don’t have to be sworn to secrecy over this. You can disclose their situation to others who may be able to provide support and prevent a crisis from escalating further.

Remember: You are not their saviour.

Your role is not to fix their problems but to provide unwavering support. Simply being present, listening without judgement, and offering empathy can be incredibly powerful.

Being there for someone in crisis is an act of love and care. By being a supportive listener to them, you can make a significant difference by encouraging them in their journey toward healing.

If you or someone you know are in a crisis or in need of support, please contact any of the following hotlines/helplines for immediate assistance:

Singapore

Australia

Brunei

Cambodia

China

Hong Kong

India

Indonesia

Macau

Malaysia

Myanmar

Philippines

South Korea

Taiwan

Thailand

Vietnam

Team Calm Collective
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