Letting go of toxic positivity and other empathy killers

We’ve all found ourselves sitting across from an upset friend trying to figure out what to say. Maybe they’re going through a breakup or a conflict with their family. Maybe they’re grieving the loss of a loved one or dealing with a stressful task at work. The air hangs between you, and you desperately want to support them. In these panicked moments, we’ve all unintentionally said things that actually invalidate their emotions, therefore making it harder for them to feel connected to us.

I think of these approaches as empathy killers--things that we say in an effort to support others that, in reality, prevent us from truly empathising with them. I’ve broken down some common ones into three categories:

1. Toxic positivity

You may have heard this term floating around on social media. It refers to the use of broad optimism and positivity in a way that doesn’t allow for any negative emotions. 

Universal optimism: “Don’t worry, everything will be ok!” 

Bright-siding: “At least...“ “You should focus on the good things in your life.”

Cheerleading and compliments: “Cheer up!” “You are a strong person, you’ll get over it.”

Motivational mantras: “Everything happens for a reason.”

These statements reflect a desire to focus on the positive as a remedy for every tough situation, regardless of what the person actually feels. They’re all said with good intent, but effectively shut down any further expression of negative emotions by minimising the problem. The person on the receiving end of these “positive” comments may know that you mean well, but they would benefit from more than just a guess at your intentions, especially when they’ve taken a leap to be vulnerable with you. 

Ironically, some research shows that validating negative emotions can actually help to alleviate distress. In other words, when people feel heard and accepted in the state that they’re in, they are more likely to feel supported and ready to regulate their own emotions. 

2. Relating

When someone is telling us about their problems, it’s natural that we tend to pick up on ways that their stories relate to our own experiences. After all, no matter how much we try to put ourselves in someone else’s shoes, we will always be limited to our own perspectives. However, when we indulge too much in our own experiences when we’re supporting someone else, we may end up hijacking the conversation entirely. 

Centering yourself: “I know exactly how you feel. One time, I…”

Comparing them to others: “It’s okay, I heard Rachel got a worse score than you.”

Self-deprecating: In response to a work stressor – “Meanwhile, I don’t even have a job!”

Shifting the focus of the conversation to yourself or others tells them that they should stop processing what’s bothering them. This is not to say that your perspective is not valuable! If you’ve experienced the same thing, it’s perfectly empathetic to let them know that you’re able to talk about it with them if that would be helpful. It is when we redirect the conversation to ourselves that we’re signalling to them that their emotions aren’t important. 

Like toxic positivity, while some instances of these approaches might not be insensitive or harmful, they all ultimately discourage the other person from expressing their negative emotions. Relating is connecting through centering yourself, and empathy is connecting through centering their emotions and trying to meet them where they are. 

3. Analysis

Of all of these empathy killers, I’m most guilty of using this kind. As an impatient and detail-oriented person, I’ve had to unlearn my problem-solving instincts. When a loved one is being vulnerable by expressing how they feel, we tend to focus on how to put an end to whatever’s causing their pain. We think that fixing the situation is the most helpful thing that we could do. Naturally, we do everything that is required to solve the problem--ask questions to determine why things went wrong, immediately offer unsolicited advice, and talk about what they could’ve done differently. We assume that they want us to provide our opinion and cast a vote on what they should do next. 

Someone says, “I just found out that my best friend has been gossiping about me behind my back.”

Critical questions: “Did you tell them to stop?” 

Premature analysis: “Why do you think they did that?” 

Unsolicited advice: “You shouldn’t have trusted them so much.”

When we skip past what people are expressing and jump straight to analysing the root of the problem, it sends the message that what they’re feeling is not worth addressing. It can even lead to defensiveness, as some questions (like the ones above) are likely to be perceived as critical judgments, or even accusations. Even when asked with the best intentions, these responses are unlikely to make the person feel understood and heard.

Sometimes, we do this because we’re concerned about the person’s judgment. Maybe you feel that they’re making unhealthy choices, or maybe they’ve already made a mistake and are upset about it. Take the example of a friend who is upset about doing badly on an exam, even though they know they didn’t spend enough time studying for it. You can still validate their emotions! Just because you validate the fact that they’re feeling disappointed, doesn’t mean that you’re validating their actions of not studying. A lot of the time, it is this empathy that empowers them to then explore solutions and next steps.

There is a bigger question here -- why do we unintentionally invalidate people that we care about?

Part of it has to do with the anxiety we feel from wanting to make someone feel better, coupled with the pressure of fulfilling our roles as helpful friends, partners, or family members. 

It could also stem from our obsession with avoiding all negative emotions--not just in our friends and family’s lives, but also in our own. The untimely bright-siding, comparing, and analysing that we use in our relationships often mirror our own cycles of self-talk. When something happens that makes me feel upset, I tell myself anything to alleviate the sadness, anger, or stress. Failed at getting something I wanted? Jump straight to analysing what I did wrong. Feeling like my work isn’t being valued? Others have it worse. 

Not allowing ourselves to feel negative emotions for what they are knocks us out of sync with ourselves, the same way that validating others’ emotions disconnects us from them. 

So how do we empathise with others (and ourselves)?

Ask

Sometimes, avoiding our own emotions and relying on shortcuts like positivity and problem-solving can be a helpful way of coping, especially in situations where we need to focus on something else or are not yet ready to face how we feel. But it is only because we can read our own minds that we know what we need in those moments. 

As relentlessly self-centered humans, we tend to assume that others have the same needs as us. We have to realise that we have no way of knowing what someone else is truly feeling and thinking. When someone expresses that they’re having a tough time, consider making it a habit to ask them what they need from you, or what they feel would be helpful for them in the moment. It may feel weird at first, but over time, this will make tough conversations much easier.

Hold space

Empathising with someone and showing them that you care actually requires very little talking. Even when you have nothing to say, consider showing them that you’re listening by summarising what they’re expressing and asking reflective, open-ended questions. Many of us feel uncomfortable with silence in a conversation, and rush to fill it at all costs. Here’s something to consider: maybe your presence is, in itself, already a valuable gift for someone going through a difficult time. 

Validate

At the core of empathising with someone is the act of validating how they’re feeling – an acknowledgment that it’s okay to feel what they feel. An easy rule of thumb is identifying an emotion in what they’re expressing, then saying something along the lines of, “It must be ______ to be in this situation” or, “It makes sense that you’d be ______ right now”. When in doubt, center their emotions in the conversation.  

Building empathy towards ourselves is equally as important. Try using these same steps to let go of empathy killers that you use against yourself. Ask yourself what you need, hold space for your mind to process its thoughts, and don’t hold yourself back from shamelessly feeling what you feel, even if the people around you are uncomfortable with your stress, sadness, anger--emotions that they’re not yet ready to face in themselves.

Further Reading

Herr NR, Jones AC, Cohn DM, Weber DM. The impact of validation and invalidation on aggression in individuals with emotion regulation difficulties. Personal Disord. 2015;6(4):310-4. doi: 10.1037/per0000129
Lieberman, M. D., Eisenberger, N. I., Crockett, M. J., Tom, S. M., Pfeifer, J. H., & Way, B. M. (2007). Putting feelings into words. Psychological science, 18(5), 421-428.

Shenk, C. E., & Fruzzetti, A. E. (2014). Parental validating and invalidating responses and adolescent psychological functioning: An observational study. The Family Journal, 22(1), 43-48.

Wojnarowska A, Kobylinska D, Lewczuk K. Acceptance as an emotion regulation strategy in experimental psychological research: What we know and how we can improve that knowledge. Front Psychol. 2020;11:242. doi:10.3389/fpsyg.2020.00242