What is emotional invalidation, and are you guilty of it?
Have you ever shared your feelings with someone, only to have them dismissed or downplayed? Maybe they told you, "You're overreacting," or "It's not that big of a deal." If so, you've experienced emotional invalidation. It's a surprisingly common but hurtful communication pattern where someone's emotions are rejected, ignored, or judged.
The Sting of Invalidation
Emotional invalidation can leave us feeling misunderstood, alone, and even questioning our own sanity. It's as if we’re being told our feelings don't matter or aren't valid. This can be particularly damaging in close relationships, where we expect empathy and support.
Experiencing frequent emotional invalidation can lead to increased self-doubt, anxiety, and even depression. It erodes trust and creates distance between ourselves and the people around us.
Common Forms of Invalidation
Invalidation can be blatant, but more often than not, it tends to be subtle. Here are some examples:
Minimising
Subtle: "It's probably not as bad as you think.” “You’ll be fine! Have you tried meditating?”
Blatant: "You're blowing this way out of proportion."
Denying
Subtle: "Are you sure you're feeling anxious? You seem fine."
Blatant: "You can't be upset about that. It's ridiculous."
Blaming
Subtle: "Maybe if you were more positive, this kind of thing wouldn’t happen to you.”
Blatant: "It's your fault for feeling this way. You need to toughen up."
Comparing
Subtle: "Well, at least you don't have to deal with [insert worse situation]."
Blatant: "Stop complaining. There are people with real problems."
Ignoring
Subtle: Nods absently while scrolling through their phone.
Blatant: Completely changes the subject without acknowledging the emotion expressed.
The Unintentional Invalidator
The truth is, most of us have probably invalidated someone's feelings at some point, often without realising it. We might be trying to be helpful by offering advice or trying to cheer someone up, but our words miss the mark. We might have learned invalidating behaviours from our own families or upbringing.
Recognising and Changing the Pattern
The good news is that invalidation is a learned behaviour, which means we can unlearn it. It starts with awareness. Pay attention to how you respond when others share their feelings.
Are you truly listening, or are you formulating a response in your head? Are you validating their emotions, or are you trying to fix them?
Here are some tips for validating emotions:
Active listening: Give your full attention, make eye contact, and nod to show you're engaged.
Reflecting: Summarise what you've heard to ensure understanding. "It sounds like you're feeling really frustrated."
Empathising: Try to put yourself in their shoes and acknowledge their feelings. "That must be really hard."
Avoiding judgement: Resist the urge to offer advice or tell them how they should feel.
Validating their experience: Let them know their feelings are valid and understandable.
The Inner Critic & Self-Invalidation
It’s also important to realise that emotional invalidation doesn't just come from others; it can also come from within.
Self-invalidation is when we dismiss, minimise, or judge our own emotions.
We might tell ourselves things like, "I'm being too sensitive," or "I shouldn't feel this way." This inner critic can be just as damaging as external invalidation, leading to feelings of shame, guilt, and low self-worth.
When we invalidate our own feelings, we deny ourselves the opportunity to understand and process them. This can hinder personal growth and prevent us from developing healthy coping mechanisms. Remember, your emotions are valid and deserve to be heard.
If you find yourself engaging in self-invalidation, here are some tips:
Practise self-compassion: Treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding you would offer a friend.
Acknowledge your feelings: Name what you’re feeling, explore where those feelings come from, and allow yourself to experience them fully.
Building Stronger Connections
By practising emotional validation, we can create stronger, more supportive relationships. We can build trust and deepen our connections with others. And when we receive validation, we feel heard, understood, and valued.
Remember, everyone (including ourselves) deserves to have their feelings acknowledged and respected. Let's strive to be better listeners and more compassionate communicators.