What does grief feel like for you?
At some point, we all experience grief in one way or another – the grief of losing a family member, a pet you grew up with, a loved one, the grief of a breakup, losing a friendship, infertility, diagnosis of a terminal illness or even the grief of your past self. It’s a normal response to losing something or someone you once cherished. However, everyone feels it differently. It’s safe to say that grief is highly individualised. This article explores how grief feels like for each person and includes responses from different individuals.
It's been 7 years since my grandma died. I remember sitting on the bed cramming for the exam with my sister when my mother received a call from my aunt bearing this news. The tears gushed down my cheeks and all the memories came flooding in — the time I spent with her, her laughs and her eternal love for my brother. I knew what was to follow after she was hospitalised for 15 days for a head injury she experienced after losing her balance. The surgery wasn’t possible at her age.
I experienced what experts call anticipatory grief: grief you experience before the imminent loss of a loved one.
All my family members went to see her in the hospital except for me — I could not bring myself to see her in that unconscious state. With this grief came the regret of not seeing her the last time, but I have come to accept it. The pain of losing her has calmed down with time, and the episodes of grief have almost disappeared. I continue to reminisce about my time with her with a subtle sadness. The memories I made with her now provide me solace rather than pain.
There is no one way or a ‘right’ way to grieve.
Feeling depressed, angry, guilty, regretful, empty inside and lost all come with grief. According to the grief model developed by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, one may go through five stages — denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. People who are grieving may act differently. They may be absent-minded or withdraw from social engagements. Grief lasts as long as it lasts. In my case, I was able to recover from it quite quickly probably because I knew what was to come after her hospitalisation. It will be different for everyone.
Coping with grief is difficult. Maryam, a Calm Collective volunteer, described it as a new way of seeing, a new way of being and a new way of living:
“It became part of my intrapersonal identity, a state that transforms the emotional and psychological landscape through increased empathy, patience and gratitude.”
Neha, a friend, mentioned that she grieved her past friendships as she is no longer in touch with them. On those days she felt empty inside, acknowledging those feelings helped her with emotions. The feeling of losing someone never really goes away, so it’s completely okay to mourn past relationships.
Alyssa, co-founder of Calm Collective, while talking about her experience with grief mentioned:
“The best metaphor I have found for grief is like waves: when you first lose someone, waves are hitting you, left, right and centre; you're in the middle of a storm. As time passes, those waves are further and further apart.”
While casually talking with K (name withheld for anonymity), I asked her about her old and new grief – the grief of the past and present — and how you still deal with the old grief as much as you do with the new grief. What resonated with me was that she stated that:
You learn to handle your old grief, though it is something that will always stay with you. You have to go through the entire healing process with new grief which, with time, becomes old.
The grief she is dealing with made me look at my past self. She mentioned mourning her ‘old version’ – the past self, as with years she had to change because of her circumstances and increased responsibilities. She grieved the innocence and carefree life she had. I’m sure this hits close to home for many of us, doesn’t it?
We may experience grief a few times or several times over our life course, and it will look different for everyone, yet similar.
Everyone processes grief differently. Not everyone cries when grieving, some may seem okay on the outside while facing a battle within. Over time, many of us learn to live with it.
If you are navigating grief and want to calm your mind, I recommend listening to these episodes of Calm it Down by Chad Lawson — Seasons of Grief: Discovering Hope in The Whispering Garden; and The Puzzle of Grief.
To know more:
Types of Grief Reaction, Children and Grief - Grief, Bereavement, and Coping With Loss (PDQ®) by the National Library of Medicine, NCBI. Published online on June 26, 2024. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK66052/
How can I support a grieving loved one? - Grief and loss by Healthdirect. https://www.healthdirect.gov.au/grief-loss#support
Grief of losing a pet - When a Pet Dies, Who Do You Turn To? - by Lauren Gill, the New York Times. https://www.nytimes.com/2024/02/04/style/pet-loss-grief-support.html?region=BELOW_MAIN_CONTENT&block=storyline_flex_guide_recirc&name=styln-grief&variant=show&pgtype=Article
References:
Maryam. How I coped with grief. Calm Collective Asia. Retrieved from https://www.calmcollective.asia/blog/how-i-coped-with-grief?rq=grief
Jillian Ng. Navigating grief and suicide loss with Alyssa - Podcast Shownotes. Calm Collective Asia. Retrieved from https://www.calmcollective.asia/blog/podcast-grief-suicide-loss-2?rq=grief