What is hyper-independence and how can you overcome it?
“I don’t need help; I can do it myself.”
In general, we tend to view independence as a strength and dependence as a weakness. This belief, when taken to the extreme, leads to an overcompensation of independence. Hyper-independence is a perfect example of how too much of a good thing can be a bad thing. I believe hyper-independence is when the strength of independence is nullified by the complete inability to depend on others.
Hyper-independence can often be a trauma response to past experiences. More often than not, those past experiences may occur in one specific setting such as at home, work, or school. However, individuals with hyper-independence tend to believe that since their coping mechanism, albeit unhealthy, works in one environment, it will work for them in others as well. It is okay that hyper-independence has worked for you, but it no longer has to define how you deal with relationships of any kind moving forward.
Relationships where hyper-independence can create issues:
At work/school – Colleagues, employees, schoolmates
Have you ever worked on a group project where an individual refuses to ask for help despite needing it? Or are you in a position where you refuse to ask for help from colleagues or peers despite needing it? If so, this is how hyper-independence could be expressed in a work or school setting. The lack of ability to ask for help is synonymous with hyper-independence. The consequences of hyper-independence in a work/school setting could lead to social isolation which, when chronic, can lead to many other physical and mental illnesses.
At home – Family, friends, partner
The behavioural manifestations of hyper-independence in a relationship could lead to detrimental outcomes. Relationships include, but are not limited to family, friends, or a partner. The ‘I can do it myself’ mentality coupled with the ‘I don’t need you’ train of thought is a very lonely way of living and is bound to create issues in a relationship. It may also lead an individual to not build any form of new relationships, as they see no value in one. In any healthy dyad, there ought to be an optimal balance of independence and dependence. However, when one believes that any level of dependence on someone is considered a weakness, this is when relationships crumble. Humans are not made to be entirely autonomous, and we do need relationships with a healthy amount of dependency.
Two methods to handle hyper-independence
Task. Trust. Ask.
The most common problem for someone with hyper-independence is the ability to ask for help. A good way to overcome this is the ‘Task. Trust. Ask’ model I’ve developed.
Task: Give someone tasks to do even if you do not necessarily need help with it. Start with small tasks and build on that.
Trust: As that person accomplishes the task, trust is built between you and said person.
Ask: Once trust is built, you will feel more inclined to ask that person for help when truly needed.
*This process can be repeated with anyone in your life. It is easier to start with those closest to you.*
Check your ego
You are not always right. That is a fact. It is impossible to be 100% right, 100% of the time. Have you ever made solo decisions, despite having a team or partner to consult, where consequences were faced, but you rationalised it as acceptable to prevent the questioning of your autonomy? When you are rationalising a decision to yourself, you are already having a conversation with your ego. Try checking your ego instead of letting your ego check you.
| Ego Checks You | You Check Your Ego |
|---|---|
|
You: You: Hmm… I should have asked for help. Ego: Nah, it is not that bad. Could have been better but you did all you can. You: I did do all I can. I minimised the damage myself. Could have been worse if I asked for help. |
You: You: Hmm… I should have asked for help. Ego: Nah, it is not that bad. Could have been better but you did all you can. You: Did I really? Maybe if I asked for help it would not have been this bad. I should try asking for help next time. |
Individuals with hyper-independence may feel very comfortable with their coping mechanism and could be resistant to the idea of depending on the people around them. As a starting point, it is helpful to acknowledge that there could be healthier approaches to dealing with the people around you, both at work/school and at home. Once this acknowledgment is achieved, the two methods above can be used to adjust one’s level of hyper-independence so that dependency on others is no longer a hard no and is possible as well. For those who are dealing with people with hyper-independence, let patience and kindness guide you, as these individuals will need time to adjust themselves due to how ingrained hyper-independence has been in their lives. As poet John Donne wrote, “No man is an island.”
"This article is for informative purposes only. It is in no way a replacement for professional counselling or therapy. Do seek out any of these professional resources if you feel you need help in regards to your mental health."
For mental health resources, please refer to our ‘Guide to Mental Health Resources in Singapore.’