Why friendships face conflict and how to address it
I’ve been on both sides of a friendship fallout. There have been times when we say harsh words to one another and it hurts. It’s a tough pill to swallow, but conflicts are a part of life. Through these pains, these experiences have taught me a lot about myself and the importance of healthy communication.
The illusion of perfect friendship
We tend to romanticise friendship, overlooking the inevitable challenges that come with any close relationship. However, as psychologist Marisa G. Franco points out:
“In doing so, we say things like ‘Friendship should be good vibes only’ or ‘It should be all positive.’ Some of these narratives really don’t leave space for things to go wrong and for conflict to happen, so when it does, we think, ‘Oh, maybe this is a sign the friendship should end,’ rather than it just [being] part of intimacy.”
When we view friendship through rose-coloured glasses, it's easy to feel overwhelmed or even betrayed when challenges arise. However, embracing the reality of conflict can strengthen our bonds.
Common causes of conflict
These clashes, though painful, can serve as catalysts for growth and deeper connection. At the heart of many friendship disputes lie a few common factors. Recognising these common causes of conflict is the first step towards addressing and resolving issues within a friendship.
1. Unmet expectations
We often project our ideal friendship onto others, overlooking individual differences and needs. For instance, one friend may crave constant companionship while the other values independence, leading to misunderstandings.
2. Evolving life stages
As we progress through life, our interests, priorities and values may shift, impacting the dynamics of our friendships.
3. Communication styles
When people have different communication styles, miscommunications can occur. Some individuals are direct and assertive, while others prefer a passive approach.
4. Competing priorities
Balancing friendships with other commitments, such as work, family, or personal interests can be challenging. When friendships are neglected due to competing priorities, resentment may build.
5. Jealousy and envy
Feelings of inadequacy or comparison can lead to jealousy and envy within friendships. These emotions, if left unchecked, can erode trust and create distance.
The mental toll of friendship disputes
Friendship conflicts can have a profound impact on our emotional well-being. The experience of feeling misunderstood, rejected, or betrayed by someone we care about can be deeply painful. These emotional wounds can manifest in various ways, including anxiety, depression, isolation, lowered self-esteem and stress.
It's crucial to acknowledge and validate these feelings. Practising self-care is essential during these challenging times. Engaging in activities you enjoy, spending time with supportive loved ones and seeking professional help if needed can aid in emotional recovery. Remember, it's okay to take time for yourself to heal and recharge.
How can you learn to communicate better?
A study in 2012 found that openly discussing issues without blame deepens connections between people, rather than avoiding the conversations. Healthy relationships are built on the foundation of honest and open communication. Expressing your feelings clearly and actively listening to your friend's perspective can foster empathy and understanding. While conflict is inevitable, it's how we handle it that matters.
To navigate conflict constructively, you may consider these strategies.
Active listening: Focus on understanding the other person’s perspective.
Choose your battles: Not every disagreement is worth pursuing.
Know when to disengage: Agree to disagree if necessary.
Stay present: Avoid bringing up past conflicts.
Practise forgiveness: Let go of resentment to move forward.
Prioritise conflict resolution: Aim to resolve the conflict rather than winning an argument.
Set boundaries: Communicating clear boundaries protects your mental and emotional space.
When to let go of a friend
While friendships are valuable, it's important to recognise when a relationship is no longer healthy. It’s essential to identify the signs that a friendship might be reaching its end and to communicate your feelings openly and honestly. These are some possible situations that may indicate signs of a strained friendship:
Consistent one-sidedness, where one person is giving more than receiving
Lack of mutual support and/or always unavailable or unwilling to show up for you
If a friend engages in harmful or toxic behaviour
Growing apart due to differing life paths
When interactions with a friend leave you feeling drained or unhappy
The decision to end a friendship is often difficult and your decision – there is no right or wrong way to handle it. What matters most is taking care of yourself and creating space for healthier connections.
Friendships are intricate tapestries, woven with threads of shared experiences, mutual support, and understanding.
I've learned firsthand the importance of setting boundaries and communicating openly. While some friendships have naturally evolved, others have ended due to a combination of personal growth and incompatible dynamics. These experiences have shaped my approach to building and maintaining connections. While conflict is an inevitable part of any relationship, it's how we respond to these challenges that truly define the strength of our bonds.
References
Jordan, T. (2002, April 15). Seven Guidelines For Handling Conflicts Constructively. https://mediate.com/seven-guidelines-for-handling-conflicts-constructively/
Nolan, M. B. (2022, June 28). The Art of Friendship: How to Address and Respond to Conflict. Shondaland. https://www.shondaland.com/live/family/a40436785/art-of-friendship-how-to-handle-conflict/
McLaren, R. M. (2012, December 7). Emotions, communicative responses, and relational consequences of boundary turbulence. IARR. https://journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1177/0265407512463997
Segal, J., Robinson, L., & Smith, M. (2024, February 5). Conflict resolution skills. HelpGuide.org. https://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships-communication/conflict-resolution-skills.htm