Beyond First Impressions: How Relationships Grow Beyond Initial Perceptions
Have you ever met someone and instantly formed an opinion about them, only to realize you were wrong? Or felt overwhelmed by the pressure of making a great first impression, worrying about things like:
"Does my outfit look good?"
"Am I speaking and acting the right way?"
"Did I come off across too strongly?"
“Am I being too over-friendly?”
It’s natural to judge people quickly based on their facial expressions, mannerisms, and behaviour. These implicit judgements, formed automatically based on observation, help us navigate social interactions. But while first impressions are powerful, they don’t tell the whole story. Over time, as we share experiences and truly get to know someone, our initial perceptions can change dramatically.
I used to think first impressions were everything, but I’ve since learned that real relationships are built through ongoing interaction, trust, and mutual understanding.
1. How First Impressions Shape Our Perceptions
A first impression is an instant judgment we make about someone based on observable traits—such as their voice, clothing, or behavior. For example:
I see: A person dressed stylishly, speaking confidently, and smiling warmly.
My previous experience: People with these traits tend to be friendly and approachable.
Implicit judgment: This person must be easy to talk to.
This process is part of what’s known as first impression bias, our tendency to place more weight on initial impressions rather than revising them as we gain new information.
First Impression Bias in Friendships
First impressions can sometimes be misleading. Consider this scenario:
I see: A person taking the lift down one floor instead of using the stairs.
My previous experience: People who do this are lazy.
Implicit judgment: This person must be lazy.
New information: The person explains, “I just finished a tough leg workout, and my muscles are sore.”
Updated judgment: Oh, they’re actually into fitness!
Other Biases Stemming from First Impressions
The Halo Effect: A positive first impression influences our overall perception of a person.
Example: If someone is well-dressed, we might assume they are intelligent or successful.
Confirmation Bias: We seek information supporting our initial judgment, even when it’s incorrect.
Example: If we assume someone is lazy, we might ignore signs that they are hardworking and only notice behaviours that confirm our assumption.
A Personal Example: Meeting Janice
At a potluck for Calm Collective Asia, I was chatting with other volunteers when I noticed Janice in the pantry. She was full of energy, engaging enthusiastically with others. My first impression? She was incredibly lively and outgoing, just like me! Days later, I realised I hadn’t taken the opportunity to connect with her, so I reached out. We clicked immediately, proving that first impressions can sometimes reveal meaningful connections.
2. How Relationships Grow Beyond First Encounters
Sometimes, a rocky first impression can still lead to a great friendship. When I first met a teammate during the launch of the Youth Fellowship Program with Mindline.sg, she told me outright that I was overly friendly. It made for an awkward start, but we kept talking, slowly getting comfortable with each other. Over time, our friendship grew stronger.
This experience taught me that reshaping perceptions requires three key elements:
Time: The quality of time spent together matters more than the quantity. Shared experiences, like meaningful conversations, inside jokes, or simply checking in, help friendships develop.
Consistency: Staying in touch, even after long breaks, reinforces a friendship. A simple “How have you been?” can make a big difference.
Vulnerability: Deep friendships form when we open up, trust each other, and share personal thoughts and feelings.
Even when we form deeper connections, first impressions can still linger. But certain factors can override them.
3. What Can Change Our Initial Perceptions?
Cultural Differences
Imagine you’re from a culture where direct eye contact is a sign of confidence. You meet someone from a culture where avoiding eye contact is a gesture of respect. Your initial impression might be that they are uninterested or shy. But once you understand their cultural background, your perception shifts—you realize they are being respectful in their own way.
Context Changes
Context: You meet someone at a networking event.
I see: They are reserved and don’t initiate conversations.
My previous experience: People who behave like this are often unfriendly or uninterested.
Implicit judgment: This person must not be very social.
New information: Later, you learn they had just arrived from a long flight and were exhausted.
Updated judgment: Oh, they weren’t unfriendly, they were just jet-lagged!
Personal Growth
I see: A person is quiet during group discussions and rarely shares their thoughts.
My previous experience: People who don’t contribute much in conversations tend to be indifferent or uninformed.
Implicit judgment: This person must not care about the topic.
New information (after a few months): They start speaking up more and later share, “I used to have social anxiety, but I’ve been working on it.”
Updated judgment: Wow, they’re thoughtful and growing in confidence!
Final Thoughts: Beyond First Impressions
First impressions may shape our initial perceptions, but true friendships grow through shared experiences, consistency, and trust. The next time you meet someone new, acknowledge your first impression, but stay open to seeing them in a new light.
Question for You: How have your first impressions changed over time?