How can I stop comparing myself to others?
We all know that a little bit of healthy competition is supposed to breed drive and excellence. But does that tactic work for everyone, and have we considered how it may bear repercussions on our mental health in the long term?
As a 21-year-old who has a life full of healthy relationships and who manages to balance studies, work, and fun, I have everything to appreciate, but I’ve struggled with my self-image for years. This persistent dissatisfaction stems from my propensity to compare myself against others as a measure of my self-worth: a practice that I know is unhealthy but cannot seem to stop.
I’ve done a lot of reflecting, and whether I was conscious of it or not, I think it’s behaviour that I’ve inculcated after years of comparison.
The comparison trap is insidious and systemic. It didn’t take long for me, aged 8, to figure out how ‘smart’ I was amongst my friends, even without an official rank list; classes were organised according to our grades. In my extracurricular Dance sessions, you’d know if you were good or not by how far front you were placed in performances.
Practically speaking, being rewarded for excellence and banded together based on ability made sense. But here’s what happened: comparison ended up becoming the index of my own achievement and perceived value.
As an adult, I thought I’d have a more secure sense of self, but now that my career aspirations (or lack thereof) deviate from Singaporean conventions, I can’t help but feel a little attacked when my parents mention their friends’ kids studying Law or Medicine, despite being well-supported by my parents. I feel a similar pressure from my LinkedIn feed, filled with people finishing courses, writing papers, and securing jobs, and consequently wondering why I’m not accomplishing the same. Objectively speaking, I’m doing well at university, but I can’t help but feel inadequate for not scoring at the top level. On a materialistic scale, I’m fully aware of the unrealism of the social media universe, yet I sometimes remain jealous of how exciting others’ lives appear to be.
None of these things were intended to antagonise me, of course, but comparison as a basis of success is systemic. The paradigm I have resultantly developed means that I find it intensely difficult to be happy with or proud of myself. Somehow, I manage to negate everything I have achieved and inevitably feel lousy over what I lack. Everyone around me is proud of me; I just haven’t lived up to my own expectations.
Is it possible to escape the comparison trap?
When you grow up being compared to others, it easily becomes a lens you end up adopting yourself – but it doesn’t have to be a permanent one.
Instead of sifting through the 59 million responses that pop up when you Google ‘How to stop comparing myself to others’, I’ve distilled everything I’ve heard and read into 3 practical suggestions to get out of the comparison trap. I’ll be trying to take these on too and believe that by internalising these, I’ll be able to reframe my thoughts and get out of this ongoing, self-destructive struggle.
1.Change your attitude toward social media
Social media doesn’t just include Instagram and TikTok: even ostensibly ‘good’ and ‘professional’ platforms can be detrimental to your mental health too. I sometimes find scrolling through my LinkedIn feed genuinely stressful!
There’s nothing wrong with unfollowing or muting accounts that might trigger you for the sake of your mental welfare – replace those with positive content like cute animal videos! What’s most important is conditioning yourself into remembering that people’s social media profiles are an idealised ‘highlight reel’ of their lives that are often unrealistic (and sometimes fake). Don’t take it personally or set them as the standard for your own life because life isn’t perfect all the time, contrary to what social media might imply.
2.Appreciate everyone’s successes
By everyone, I mean everyone, including yourself. I think that the first step lies in acknowledging the good in your life by literalising it. You can do this through gratitude journaling or making a list, whatever forces you to visualise yourself in a more positive light.
Ideally, you want to be able to look at the successes of others objectively and without judgement, so that you can feel happy for them without it bearing a negative effect on your sense of self. Getting to this stage takes time, effort, and perseverance.
3.Look inwards and forwards
Many articles preach contentment and gratitude, but I know that it isn’t that easy for everyone, especially when your mindset has become wired to fixate on what’s good for others and the bad in yourself. I also saw a blog post that suggested ‘comparing yourself to yourself’, but I think that that form of comparison can be toxic too, as we ruminate over our past selves or how good life used to be.
The goal is to stop seeing others’ lives and progress as milestones that you necessarily have to hit – we all have different routes and paces in life. Think about what you’d like to achieve instead: sit down to list out your goals, no matter the size. Then, brainstorm and write out how you can get to that point and what your indicators of success would be.
You’re unique, and so is your life – neither are comparable to anything else.
As contrived as that sounds, you’re really one-of-a-kind. It’s impossible to lead an identical life to anyone else, so why aim for that? By recognising and being mindful of how comparison currently dominates our lives, you can make small but powerful changes to escape the vicious, self-perpetuating cycle. It won’t be easy after years of conditioning, but if you can train yourself to see the good in your present and future (and forget about using others as a gauge of success), not only will it be great for your mental health – you’ll be reclaiming your identity, too.