Dealing With Grief For Colleagues Who Leave Our Lives

Friendships were easy when we were children. Remember how easily we bonded with classmates, neighbors and tuition mates? We smiled and shared our toys, and the next moment we were friends.

Fast-forward 20 years, and we’re now adults. We try to schedule regular gatherings while navigating the transitions through our careers and other milestones in our lives. Some friends leave to further their studies overseas, and some remain in their hometowns. Communication falls away when they are no longer next to us. 

So whether we like it or not, many of our colleagues become the people that we spend a lot of our adult years with. In fact, an average person spends approximately 81,000 hours (more than 9 years!) at work or working.

So much so, that many of them become our friends.

As the only constant thing in life is change, it will be inevitable that our colleagues (or us!) leave the organisation that we are at. This will happen numerous times over the course of our careers. Perhaps to pursue a career at another company, to take a break to care for a newborn or an ailing family member, or perhaps because of retrenchment. Regardless of the reasons, this event may cause us to feel a variety of emotions.

Maybe you don’t feel sad or feel rather indifferent. But maybe you do feel sad. For yourself. Or for the person leaving. Or angry at the person for leaving you behind. At the company for letting the person go. Or bitter. At being left behind when everyone has moved on.

It is normal to feel these emotions. This is us grieving over the ‘loss’ of someone who has contributed to you, the team, department or company in some way, shape or form. Especially if the person is one whom you have spent many hours together with, had many conversations over coffee or lunch and even got to know them personally. 

Studies have shown that having supportive colleagues grants many benefits to us, and in turn, provides a positive impact to our work and mental health too. Working with great colleagues aids us in producing good quality work through collaboration, advice and help received, and also enables us to persevere through challenges by the empathy shown. This, in turn, allows us to feel like our goals are more achievable and be more motivated to put in our best efforts in our work. 

On the flipside, a colleague leaving can also bring about negative thoughts and feelings about the organisation as well. We may assume that there was a negative evaluation of the job, people, team, department, or company; or even feel dissatisfied and demotivated with our current role or company if we perceive that colleagues have left to pursue better opportunities and are experiencing growth in one way or another. We may also question why we are still remaining at the organisation and whether we could be successful at a job transition if we were in the same scenario. This could potentially also bring about feelings of doubt about our own sense of competence and capabilities in our professional capacity. 

All these could bring about a complex cocktail of emotions. Regardless, your feelings are valid. You lost something that was valuable to you, and it’s different now. Things won’t ever be the same as they were before. 

Illustration by Emily Roberts, Verywell​

According to Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, there are 5 stages of grief: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance. This model originally refers to grief faced by people with terminal illness when facing their own death. However, it has now been adapted to apply to any form of personal loss or about experiencing grief in general. 

It is normal to grieve, and whether you go through the five stages linearly or nonlinearly, it’s important to let yourself feel the emotions and to not rush through the stages just to be perceived as “okay”. It might be a good time to reflect on why you feel a certain way when it happens, in order to understand yourself a bit deeper. You can also reach out and keep in touch with the colleague who left, and surround yourself with colleagues and friends to support each other through this difficult time. 

If the series of events have also led you to question your role, the reason why you are staying in the organisation, your growth and future career plans, it might also be a good time to re-evaluate your strengths, contributions, challenges and to speak to your supervisor, manager or mentor about it. 

However, if you feel overwhelmed by any of the feelings and thoughts at any point where it stops you from functioning in your daily life, do reach out and talk to a counsellor or any mental health practitioner. 

Loss and the grieving process are a part of life. Although it may be difficult to go through the process again and again, it is also through loss that we can gain an appreciation of relationships, and the invaluable part that it plays in our lives.

For more practical tips on how to cope with change and uncertainty, read this article.