How I found strength in vulnerability

Vulnerability is not weakness; it's our greatest measure of courage.

— Brené Brown

Have you ever held back from or felt ashamed for revealing something about yourself as you fear how people may respond?

You are not alone, and I have experienced this countless times myself. 

As a person with ADHD, I used to hide facts about my personal life, thinking it would protect me from bullying, ostracism, and gossip. 

Over time, as I shared my experience with the people around me and through my articles for Calm Collective, I have become more comfortable with expressing myself. Nevertheless, this article was by far the most challenging to write, as I share my journey towards becoming comfortable with being vulnerable and finding strength in the process.

Before I found strength in vulnerability…

When I was first diagnosed with ADHD, my mum instructed me to hide this from everyone. Unable to understand why, throughout primary school, I would nonchalantly tell my peers that I had ADHD – only to be met with bullying and subsequent fights.

I had learned my lesson by the time I was in secondary school. Whenever I had to take my medication, I did so secretively and shamefully. I put on a constant act to convince everyone I am normal, just a little ‘hyper’. I would crack jokes, chat, and study like anyone else, all the while fearfully hiding my condition.

I’d assumed that hiding these ‘shameful’ things would help me in the long term, believing that keeping everything to myself meant security, and that it wouldn’t affect my life.

But inevitably, I would break character: my ADHD would expose itself through my loud, hyperactive behaviour. This sudden change in character caused people to find me weird rather than ‘normal’, despite my best efforts. 

Over time, the constant hiding, judgement, and stress led to a breakdown. Feeling lonely and misunderstood when my closest friend broke off our friendship after learning I had ADHD, I spent the night crying and contemplating more drastic actions. 

Fortunately, my mum found and stopped me before I could do anything further. It was then that I confessed that I needed a listening ear. My mum understood and calmed me down, reassuring that she would always be there when I needed help. It was such a relief to feel heard and have my feelings validated.

How I found strength in vulnerability 

I knew that my mum couldn’t always be there for me, and it was hard to drop my ‘normal person’ act immediately. I continued in my old habits – up until I attended Action: Strength Mental Resilience, a mental health symposium held at Woodlands Regional Library.

As I introduced myself, a groupmate asked if I had a mental health condition, and I disclosed that I had ADHD. To my surprise, a fellow groupmate got really excited. She revealed that she had ADHD too, but was suffering emotionally, had a bleak outlook on life, and needed help. After the symposium, another groupmate and I decided to have dinner with her. As she shared her troubles, we offered a listening ear, empathised, and recommended she see a mental health professional. 

It was then I realised something very important: good friends will see through your mental diagnosis and care for you regardless. 

I would come to experience that for myself months later, when a friend noticed my hyperactive behaviour and brought it up. Worried about how she may treat me now that she knew I had ADHD, I tried to break off the friendship. However, she told me it was perfectly okay and that she would be there for me as a close friend regardless. 

These moments of vulnerability being met with support gave me confidence. I spent months building courage and reading about others’ personal struggles, which were not so different from my own. Growing more comfortable in my skin, I chose to take a risk, sharing and taking pride in my ADHD amongst my classmates and colleagues. I’ve also found it helpful to surround myself with like-minded people, and am glad that mental health is something celebrated today.

This was how I found my strength and voice.

Being vulnerable isn’t easy. It takes time to process the past, gathers strength, and muster the courage to move forward. Don’t rush it, and learn from the journey!