How I’m working on my fear of failure

Fear of failure is said to be one of the greatest barriers to success, and that makes total sense —fear of failure can stop us from making attempts in the first place. But can anyone blame us for fearing failure? 

Growing up in Singapore where there’s a hyper-competitive education system, I remember my parents and relatives telling me, “You’ve got to do well in school, otherwise you won’t get a job.” “You’ve got to do well in school, or you’ll end up miserable.” While my parents aren’t tiger parents who insisted I get straight A’s, those words were enough to get my fear of failure brewing. 

On top of parental expectations, I also felt like I had to live up to societal expectations. As a Gen Z living in the digital world, I am constantly being exposed to the “success” of others. From my peers scoring internships at large conglomerates to buying the latest Dior wallet and even having the financial means to move out of their parent’s house at 23, all I can think about when witnessing those moments online was, “What am I doing with my life?” The internet has a way of highlighting others’ success and with our minds being so conditioned to see these successes, it’s never been easier to surrender to the fear of failure. Let’s not forget how social media threatens to make slip-ups an extinction-level event with “cancel culture”, but that’s a story for another day.

Furthermore, failure is accompanied by a variety of emotions — embarrassment, shame, anger and sadness just to name a few. Those feelings are extremely uncomfortable, and many of us would do anything to escape this emotional discomfort. This fear of failure can have harsh consequences on our well-being. For some, it can lead to debilitating anxiety and depression, or a diagnosable condition called atychiphobia. Unfortunately, even before we reach this point, the fear of failure can steer us away from many joys and opportunities. Here are some tips that may help you based on my personal experience. Everyone has different ways of coping, but I’m sharing what has been helping me because after all, I’m still a work in progress.

Honing courage 

Coping with the fear of failure is not to extinguish the fear and become fearless. Instead, the best way to tame the fear is to hone your courage. Fear is a part of human nature. It’s a normal part of living life based on your values. More often than not, we are placing too much emphasis on the negative consequences that are just mere possibilities. If we could, just for a moment, push those thoughts aside and picture ourselves acting with courage, we might just be able to embody that courage in real life. 

Here’s how it worked out for me — I was in a dark pit of self-loathing after I had finished my undergraduate studies, thinking about how useless I was. The economy was not doing great, and I was fearing the rejection that could potentially happen once I started applying for jobs/internships. I had spent hours daily looking through articles and YouTube videos on how to present myself at a job interview and how to craft out my resume. While I worked on those, I was unable to even send out a single application. 

As this went on for weeks, I grew more and more tired of my inability to take action. While I was encouraging friends about their job search, I couldn’t walk the same talk. At 3 AM one morning, I plucked up the courage and sent out my first job application, and the rest became so much easier. This brings me to my next point. 

Avoid all or nothing thinking 

It’s easy to fall into the trap of “all or nothing” where we think of ourselves as only the extreme “success” or “failure”. The world is not black and white. There are many shades of grey in between. Reframing a situation and finding a positive thing to focus on was really helpful in stopping me from returning to self-loathing. For every resume I sent out, I told myself, “Hey, at least you tried. You gave yourself a chance to be seen.” For every “failed” interview, I looked for what I can learn from it and reminded myself that it’s a step forward from not getting any response. The negative responses like disappointment and sadness were still lurking, but they were not in control because I chose to celebrate the small wins. 

Talking about it

It can be scary to open up and talk to someone about how you’ve been feeling and struggling with the fear. But it helps with actualizing thoughts and feelings. Often when we are trying to work on overcoming fear, our hearts can get messy and flooded with thoughts. Speak to a third party who can listen to you and if needed, provide you with a fresh perspective. For instance, I would speak to my sister and best friend about my struggles with self-doubt and fear instead of hiding in bed and drowning myself in negativity. 

Failing can be painful but it can also be a powerful guide that leads us to what’s most important — growth

My failures and my mistakes don’t define who I am. As we continue to strive for our goals in life, let's embrace all the ups and downs. 

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This article is for informative purposes only. It is in no way a replacement for professional counselling or therapy. Do seek out any of these professional resources if you feel like you need help in regards to your mental health.

For mental health resources, please refer to our ‘Guide to Mental Health Resources in Singapore.’