How to set boundaries with friends
We’ve all been in situations where we wanted to cancel plans with a really good friend, felt like we couldn’t talk about something because we weren’t “in the mood” or neglected to respond to a message because we weren’t in the right headspace.
Apologizing for moments where we feel scattered or less grounded is something that we feel we need to apologize for. However, setting healthy boundaries and communicating with friends is a practice that we can (and probably should) do more of.
Setting boundaries comes with practice and can be different based on who you’re interacting with. According to Fagan (2021), boundaries are space between one person and another, it can be physical, emotional, and mental limits established in a relationship.
In this article, I highlight a few tips on setting boundaries:
1. Understand that boundaries are a form of self-compassion:
The term “Compassionate Boundary” refers to the act of facing what is difficult with a compassionate lens and listening to yourself, as well as the other person who is involved (Hauck, 2016). When it comes to our own needs, we often find it difficult to voice those needs to others. We may have a hard time saying no or feel like we owe others an explanation when we do. Needless to say, this can leave one feeling tired and overextended - potentially leading to burnout. If we do, however, value our friendships, then holding a healthy space for each other is critical. This involves learning how to uphold and practice boundary setting as a means of self-compassion.
2. Ask yourself - “how do you feel around your friends?”
Friendships, like any other relationship, are complex and carry many different styles of connection and closeness depending on who the people are. Perhaps you recently caught up with a friend from high school over dinner - as usual, your friend starts to focus the conversation on themselves rather than asking about how you are. You feel unheard, exhausted, and neglected. According to the University of Illinois - Counseling center (n.d) “once you recognize your feelings, you may then more clearly understand and articulate your concerns with your friend.”
While it can be easy to avoid confrontation, it might help to voice how you feel. Maybe she’s oblivious to what she’s doing or how you feel. Acknowledging your feelings is the first step and it can help you navigate similar situations in the future.
3. Identify the boundaries you need and communicate those boundaries:
I remember an experience where a friend was sharing a conflict she had recently encountered. I listened to her share about the conflict she had before proceeding to ask her if she wanted feedback. I was in a centered mindset at that point, and able to show up as a friend and create a safe space for her.
As the day progressed, however, I was not in the same headspace I had been a few hours ago. I felt tired and overwhelmed. When she started talking about her issue again, all I could do was listen but stayed quiet without offering advice. The next day, I sent her a message to ask how she was doing. I also let her know why I had been quiet the second time she shared. She thanked me for clarifying and assured me that I had no reason to apologize. that I had been quiet.
4. Seek support from friends and set boundaries together
From my experience, we are not aware of certain triggers until they happen. It’s only after we’ve noticed, processed, and allowed ourselves to accept our emotional discomforts that we actually understand what might be going on. I have found that after processing on my own, it’s even more beneficial to share some of my reflections with friends.
For example, I remember calling a friend when I was anxious about my future plans. When she responded with ““well are you doing anything about it?, I found myself pulling away from the conversation because that question made me feel dismissed. My initial reaction was to brush it off, change the topic, or shelf it for later.
After the conversation, I journaled and asked myself questions like:
Did I overanalyze her response?
How did I feel when she responded?
What is the story I am telling myself?
After processing on my own, I reached out to my friend and told her that I appreciated her listening to my thoughts but was not looking for anyone to offer advice or to question me, I just needed a listening ear.
It definitely isn’t easy to tell a friend when they have hurt you or when they have overstepped boundaries. At the same time, good friends will understand. By communicating what your needs are, it allows your friend to do the same in the future - boundary setting together!
Conclusion:
Setting boundaries can be hard - especially with friends who you truly care about. Showing up for yourself and your friends will take practice. Remember that no one is perfect so allow yourself to make mistakes and learn from them - these mistakes often help develop the friendship and draw you closer. Keep showing up for yourself, show yourself compassion, and take time for self-reflection as you enter the realm of boundary setting. Like most things, there isn’t a guidebook to follow - but that’s the beauty of it! You get to create your own set of “rules” tailored to your specific needs and situation.
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References:
Fagan,A. (2021). How to Set Healthy Boundaries in Close Relationships. https://www.psychologytoday.com/sg/blog/packing-success/202105/how-set-healthy-boundaries-in-close-relationships
Hauck,C. (2016). Compassionate Boundaries: How to Say No with Heart. https://www.mindful.org/compassionate-boundaries-say-no-heart/
University of Illinois - Counseling Center (n.d). EXPERIENCING AND EXPRESSING EMOTION. https://counselingcenter.illinois.edu/brochures/experiencing-and-expressing-emotion