Navigating grief and suicide loss with Alyssa - Podcast Shownotes

Alyssa describes Tyler as someone who was highly sociable, intelligent, and possessed a magnetic personality. A month into their relationship, Tyler shared that he sometimes had suicidal thoughts, but assured Alyssa that he would never act on them. Things changed when his best friend committed suicide, and Tyler was never the same after. Alyssa realises now that Tyler had been grieving but hadn’t known how to support himself or seek support. 

There were normal days, and there were also dark days where he really struggled with his grief. And he really struggled, in turn, with his mental health.

Tyler was acutely aware of the stigmas associated with mental illness, which made seeking help difficult. It took over three years before he gathered the courage to properly see a psychiatrist, who diagnosed him with Bipolar II Disorder. 

The night before another psychiatrist appointment, Alyssa cooked dinner and they ate together before Tyler left the house for dinner and drinks with friends, telling Alyssa to leave the dishes in the sink so he could wash them when he got home. 

When the police knocked on her door at 3AM, Alyssa thought, 'He's up to some shenanigans. Oh, what's the worst? Probably that I'm gonna have to bail him out. And I'm gonna get so angry at him.' But once Alyssa verified that she knew Tyler, the police officer, averting her gaze, quietly said, 'He's passed away.'

Podcast excerpts

The following interview has been edited for brevity and clarity.

Sabrina: What did you do that helped you cope with the grief?

Alyssa: I just wanted to be really open about my own experience with grief and I also had this urge to tell my story, so I wrote down my feelings and experience on Instagram. It was really cathartic and it was my way of processing it. 

I actually found a community on Instagram, through a hashtag where other women shared their stories. It really helped to read the story of someone whose experience was maybe one year ahead of mine. Because of that, I decided to share my story as well. 

Another thing that helped was journaling. I think it came from a desire to store memories. One of my biggest fears was forgetting everything about him, so I wrote down as much as I could. I realised that it helped me to work through things – 'Oh, okay, I'm dealing with this emotion right now. Where's this coming from?'

I also realised that I needed to see a counsellor, and I found one through Wicare Support Group. Being asked questions to draw me towards a certain thought process really helped to explain my thoughts or feelings. We have all the tools we need inside us, but often need an objective perspective so we aren’t clouded by our own perceptions or mental blocks.

Sabrina: What was helpful for you while you were grieving?

Alyssa: People giving me the space to grieve. My parents were a huge part of that. I've definitely been angry and I've definitely directed it at them, but they know where it's coming from and don't react back; they just let me be, so I can process everything. 

The other thing is people checking in, which I get even four years later. Some people don’t know what to say, so they send me memes or animal videos – and I appreciate that. It's not necessarily words, more like knowing that, 'Hey, I'm thinking of you,' or 'I'm here to help,' and 'I'm here to listen,' and being consistent. That really helped.

Sabrina: Has your experience of grief changed over time? 

Alyssa: I think it has, but it also hasn't. We like to think of recovery as a linear process, but it's really not. The best metaphor I have found for grief is like waves: when you first lose someone, waves are hitting you, left, right and centre; you're in the middle of a storm. As time passes, those waves are further and further apart. 

But just as there’s a period of calm, another wave will hit you, and it'll just be as bad as the beginning. I'll go through long periods of time where I can't even remember the last time I cried, and then all of a sudden, it'll be like, 'Why do I feel like he just died yesterday?' It's really a nonlinear process. However, 4 years on, I have an arsenal of tools; I know what to expect. But the wound is there, and it's always going to be something you carry with you.

Sabrina: It's said that in the midst of loss, people find opportunities for growth. Would you say you've experienced that? 

Alyssa: I don't love that saying because there's this expectation that with each bad thing that happens to you, there's some sort of meaning or growth that you need to take out of it. To anyone listening who feels pressured to be a bigger person or grow out of this: no, you don't. It doesn't have to have meaning, you don't have to derive growth from it, it can simply suck.

In a way, I have, but it's because I've educated myself on the grieving process and discovered my own mental health. When I was grieving, I still had to take care of my mental health so that I could get through my grief a lot better. So yes, I've grown in that way – but I don't think it's a prerequisite to grow out of your grief. 

Sabrina: What advice would you give to someone who is newly coping with the loss of a loved one? 

Alyssa: Don't keep it to yourself. Don't think that you can handle it all on your own. It's okay to ask for help and it's okay to talk about it. People think, 'I don't want to burden other people so I'm just not going to talk to them about it,' but that's the wrong thing to do. It can be a good friend or a family member, or if you don't have people within your circle who can listen and give you that space, find a counsellor or therapist. 

Aside from Wicare, Samaritans of Singapore offers free counselling for people who have lost a loved one through suicide and has a peer support group. There are a lot of resources out there, ask for help. It's probably the toughest thing you're going to have to go through in life – but it's going to be much harder to keep this a secret or go through this alone. 

Calm Conversations is a podcast series launched and facilitated by Calm Collective Asia. A means of sharing personal experiences, lessons, and advice, we speak to people from all walks of life about topics that are universally relevant yet often still taboo in the hope of normalising conversations about mental health. 

Available on Spotify, Google, and Apple, you can tune in whenever and wherever. We hope that by listening in, you feel less alone, learn something new, and find the courage to continue these conversations with the people around you. Stay calm!