Finding yourself: a journey to self-discovery

Finding yourself can be a pretty nerve-wracking experience, simply because there is no such thing as an ultimate guide to self-discovery that anyone can follow and immediately know who they are. After all, who you are today is not the same as the person you were yesterday, let alone a year ago, or five years ago. I’m 22 now, and the differences between my current self and my 21-year-old self are so different that I’m still struggling to figure out who this new person is. Not to mention, a lot of things can get in the way of self-discovery, especially when you’re battling various mental illnesses and suddenly trying to get to know yourself becomes this incredibly daunting task that you don’t actually want to tackle because you’re too afraid to find out who you really are.

I’m no expert, and that’s the truth. As mentioned earlier, I’m still trying to figure out who I am, and part of me thinks that maybe I will never be able to know who I really am. Every time I have to list down my strengths and interests on a CV or even just a simple introduction sheet, I’m left wondering, “Is this who I really am?”, and I start questioning whether my interests are really my interests, or if they’ve just been passed on to me from another person and now I just partake in those activities and hobbies because I know about it. Some people have tried to tell me that I must have some sort of interest in it to keep doing it, but for some reason, it never really feels like mine. This begs the question: what is mine, really? What defines mine? I think that the process of self-discovery is absolutely terrifying. It can send you into an existential crisis, or maybe you’ll find out some things about yourself that make you realise that you’re not that great of a person after all. 

But that’s normal.

It’s okay to be afraid. It’s okay to spiral every once in a while. It’s okay to have these realisations. After all, they say that awareness is the first step to recovery, right? What you choose to do with these realisations is what matters most. Some people choose to just suppress it, which is perfectly valid, but if you’re anything like me, those problems will only continue to gnaw away at your soul and sooner or later, you’ll just implode. And to be absolutely honest, there is no guarantee that you will be able to discover yourself entirely. I mean, I’ve tried, and I’m still trying, and I hope that I will continue to try in the future. While I can’t give you the whole outline on how to find yourself, I can at least tell you how I started on my journey, in hopes that it would inspire you too.

One thing you see a lot of self-help guides tell you to do is to keep a journal, and write down your feelings or simply use it as an outlet for creativity. If you’re anything like me, you probably have a lot of barely or half-filled notebooks that were meant to be The Journal, and the thought of starting yet another journal and wasting money on yet another notebook – because let’s be real, you don’t want some random notebook, your feelings deserve high-quality paper and a certain kind of aesthetic – is extremely stressful. What I did to combat this problem was to just use loose-leaf paper, and I’d chuck them away in a box meant for all of my personal notes. The good thing about this is that there isn’t much pressure to finish a notebook, or even just a page. My box is filled with different types and sizes of paper, and it’s always fun to rifle through to see what kind of thoughts or cringe-worthy poems or prose I’ve written. The box doesn’t need to be fancy either– I use a plain brown box that I got from one of my birthday presents years ago to store these thoughts. It’s simple, it’s plain, and it blends right into the background so no nosy parents or guests will ask you what’s in the box.

Next, what’s important is what you choose to do with those pieces of paper. Journaling usually connotes writing deep thoughts and feelings, and that isn’t always possible. Sometimes I write because I just want to write using a pen and paper, and sometimes I don’t think I can express myself simply through words. Of course, starting with your feelings is always the most obvious choice, and some of my entries have just been bullet points on how I felt that day. Sometimes I take it a step further and add doodles because I can’t really draw, and occasionally I’ll fold origami cranes, ducks, foxes, and hearts after writing it. Small things like origami and doodling are considerably therapeutic, and who knows, maybe you’ll find a new hobby through this activity, and find something that you actually like: boom. Self-discovery achieved.

I’m kidding.

The simple act of writing down your feelings and why you feel that way, or just noting them in other mediums will give you a better understanding of your emotional responses to various situations. I enjoy reading back on what I wrote because I’m allowed to reflect on myself and see how attributes from my past self are still prevalent within me, as well as looking back on what I used to find extremely mortifying or upsetting and simply laughing because I know that I have grown from that.

Another tip that self-help guides also recommend is trying new things, but honestly, it’s easier said than done. The idea of trying something new can be extremely daunting, which is why I recommend starting small instead of simply jumping into a whole new thing without any warning. These things can range from trying a new dish from your favourite type of cuisine or listening to a different genre of music. I tend to associate the phrase “trying new things” with drastic changes and taking on a new hobby, even though that can be really expensive and mentally exhausting. For me, it started with cooking. I never learnt how to cook until recently, when I finally moved into an apartment which forced me to learn how to cook, or else I’d have to get takeout every night. I started with microwavable and instant meals, and slowly moved up to one-pot meals. Even though I wouldn’t say I’m extremely skilled in cooking, it is always nice to know that I’m skilled enough to make a decent meal for family and friends.

Sometimes, we think that we need to make big sweeping changes and achieve results quickly in order for something to be effective when the truth is, changes can be small, and small bits of progress are still progress. The journey to self-discovery never really ends, especially since we are always changing, and while we may never know who we really are at any given moment, it never hurts to try and better understand ourselves.