Making Healthy Friendships in the Online World

Mental Health MusingsTips & Resources
Written By Mohamed Ibrahim Shah & Mimi

Ibrahim, a Singapore-based volunteer and regular contributor to Calm Collective, and Mimi, his penpal from Japan, share the story behind their friendship and give you tips on how to safely meet fascinating people from around the world in the online space - all from a mental health-centric point of view. Ibrahim and Mimi met on Slowly, a pen pal app that can be used for free and downloaded from the Apple and Play Stores.

Mimi:

Do you ever feel like you have no life? No friends? 

Your mind buzzes with work, chores, life, and the stuff that you are seeing on social media. But when you finally have a quiet, pensive moment in the shower, as the water is trickling down your face, you realise that you still feel empty and hollow. That cute cat video from this afternoon made you chuckle, but as you lie in bed at night and look back at your day…how many of the hundreds of videos that you scrolled through do you actually remember? Is there something amazing that has enriched your day, your life, your soul? Or is it just one monotonous blur from morning to night? 

Mental Health & Online Spaces

Ibrahim:

As your mind processes these thoughts, let us take a moment to understand the current relationship between a person’s mental health and online spaces!

It is known that in its current state, articles have painted a poor relationship between online spaces and a person's mental health:

  1. A person can spend many hours on social media until the wee hours of the morning, leading to them waking up feeling unwell. Sometimes they even feel dizzy after using it for many days (Lau, 2023)!

  2. A person can develop an aggressive attitude toward his parents after they confiscate their phone (Lau, 2023).

  3. After a long period of using the internet, a person can develop anxiety from missing out on activities (Levitz, 2024).

These are valid and real experiences reported by these articles. Concerns about social media use have even led to the US Surgeon General - the same body that issued the 1964 landmark report on the harmful effects of smoking - officially warning of the harmful effects of social media on the mental health of young people (The U.S. Surgeon General’s Advisory, 2023).

Despite the widespread concerns, the internet has nevertheless brought us one of the few good things: the ability to connect and make genuine friends worldwide.

An example would be my wonderful and exciting friendship with a pen pal named Mimi! Before I met Mimi, I was going through a severe case of anxiety that made me fearful of online and offline interactions.

When I chanced upon her profile in Slowly (a pen pal app), I was so intrigued by her honest thoughts and views that I sent her a letter. Fast-forward to now, and I keep mementos of her letters, as they are fun and interesting to read! 

Being Safe on the Internet

Before a worker enters a construction site, they must be fully cognizant of safety at the workplace (donning a piece of personal protective equipment, being aware of surroundings, checking their attire, and using proper tools and equipment) to keep themselves safe and injury-free! The same precautions apply when we prepare to meet anonymous strangers on the internet. Be aware of the potential dangers, know our limitations, and wear our proverbial protective equipment.

Mimi:

It goes without saying that, despite the anonymity that the internet offers, we must be careful about how we engage with the worldwide web. Being safe online is a crucial part of having an enjoyable experience, yet we often forget or even do not think about how we are conducting ourselves in the digital world. We all know the basics: don’t post pictures of yourself on seedy forums, don’t share your real name with strangers, don’t send money to faceless people, and don’t even think about inviting anyone over until you have met them in a public place first. 

But what about the more subtle ways in which we unwittingly give away information about us? How about the series of pictures we post of areas near our home or the TikTok videos filmed in the school hallways? Cobble together enough of those and anyone with some time on their hands could deduce where you live, where you go to school/work, and so much more. This is just one of the many ways in which we unknowingly lay ourselves bare for the entire world to see.

But here we focus on mental health and there are particular ways in which we can also become vulnerable online in that regard. It’s important to be consciously aware of your struggles, how they manifest themselves, and your limitations. What does that mean?

Let’s take loneliness as an example - our generation is chronically lonely, deprived of genuine and quality social connection (no, hanging out at the hawker center with your friends and everyone’s head stuck in their phones does NOT count as quality engagement). When we are lonely, we may retreat into the online world to find people to chat and build a relationship with, to supplement what we cannot seem to get in real life.

When we do find a person who is sympathetic to our woes, we may feel as though we have struck gold and start pouring our heart out to them. However, we may also just have drawn the short stick and run into someone who takes advantage of mental and emotional weaknesses to conduct their scams. But how could something so blatantly obvious happen to us of all people?

We all know about the Nigerian Prince scam, right? To those of us who grew up with the internet, it seems like such an obvious red flag that we are baffled at how our parents and grandparents could possibly believe that an African Royal would contact them, of all people, for help with money. But ask yourself this: what exactly is it that made the older generations more susceptible to this type of scam? Lack of technological and online literacy. Unlike us, they did not understand the perils of the internet to the extent that we do and were thus more susceptible to low-effort scams.

And now let’s look at ourselves: how susceptible are we, with limited knowledge of mental health and even less awareness of our emotional deficiencies, to the type of fraud that preys on exactly those weaknesses? Now you have an idea of how the infamous Tinder Swindler was able to successfully string along so many of his victims. 

Being safe when making friends and meeting strangers online comes down to exactly that: good awareness of your own state of wellbeing, your points of weakness, how those manifest themselves, and what you are likely to be drawn in by. Armed with that type of knowledge, you will be able to spot strange occurrences much earlier, save yourself from falling in with bad apples, and have a better overall experience online.

The Story of Our Friendship

Ibrahim:

When I was recovering from the complete anxiety breakdown over my previous pen pal interaction, I still yearned for a solid penpal friendship. So I scrolled through the Discover function on the Slowly App until I encountered a profile user named Mimi!

First, the name sounded super unique and made me curious!

Second, when I read her description,it showcased her realness in terms of her values and opinions about life. I discovered we shared a lot of topics in common (10 topics to count, make it 11, as we both have an interest in mental health).

What sealed the deal was when I received a letter from her. I was filled with anticipation and curiosity as she shared her interests. Instinctively knew that this pen pal friendship would be exciting and beautiful, and we both will have fun!

As time passed, our letter exchanges became deeper and I learned more about Mimi from her letters. I started becoming comfortable around her, as I was having fun reading her letters. It brought joy, curiosity, and perspective into my life. Without hesitation, I shared more about myself with her!

In retrospect, I can’t even explain the exact point where I started to share about myself. The vibes I got from her and our conversations made me want to share more.

I treat my friendship with her on a unique level as compared to the friends that I have made in real life because of a few factors:

  1. It was my first international pen pal with whom I formed a deep bond, and I keep mementos of how special it was!

  2. She brings a ton of wisdom and perspectives on how Western people versus Asian people live their lives and how they view mental health.

  3. She almost poisons me with all of her strange, foreign food combination recommendations…

Mimi:

Ibrahim’s initiative and mutual enthusiasm about a genuine pen pal friendship aside, I believe that there are some other external factors that are important in influencing the success of an online friendship: anonymity and lack of visual influence. What do I mean by that?

With anonymity, I mean that, initially, nothing about us is revealed other than our moniker and avatar of choice. What we decide to reveal about ourselves throughout our exchanges is entirely up to us. The knowledge that our information is entirely safe - whether we decide to reveal it or not - is a genuine helping factor in feeling at ease with the idea of an online friend. This pattern and format can also be observed on other platforms where friends can be made based on common interests such as Reddit or Discord.

As for the lack of visual influence, we all know that the big, glaring problem with most swiping dating and friendship apps is that all the emphasis is placed on photos with little space left to showcase one’s personality. This leaves us getting to know people because we liked their looks, before we actually discover what kind of a person they are. You don’t need me to tell you what a tiring exercise in futility that is. 

When you don’t know and don’t care what the other person looks like, you only see their personality and that is not only a refreshing experience, but also you realise how much easier it is to form genuine connections. For the other side of the interaction, the fact that our appearance is not revealed is a crucial factor in feeling free to be oneself. It allows us to drop the performative mask that we subconsciously put on everyday to face the world and instead indulge in our true selves first when interacting with another person. 

We are very visual creatures. Almost everything that we interact with tries to grab our attention through our eyes first: advertisements are made to be visible from the corner of your eye; aesthetic videos and pictures get millions of likes on TT and IG, plastic surgery is normalised, and people are more willing than ever to rack up massive amounts of debt to maintain their appearance of success and popularity. 

In the midst of this madness, it is only too easy to forget what is really important and valuable in the end. In the case of these online friendships, I appreciate the fact that I basically meet people blindfolded - giving my eyes a break - and instead tune into my other senses and focus on listening to the other person, discovering who they are, and - most importantly - being present in the moment.

So what is it that makes a successful online friendship? Is it as simple as finding someone who vibes with us? The exact same shared interests? Coming from the same country and culture? No, it’s actually less about the other person and more about you. Once you understand that, your friends will not be limited to your shopping or gaming buddies, but include people with entirely different viewpoints, who do not speak the same language, and live in the most far-flung, remote corners of the earth. 

The Secrets to a Successful Online Friendship

Basic ’don’t be an idiot’ conduct for the internet and all of the standard principles of social courtesy aside, the main thing that we would urge you to focus on is patience. 

Patience, patience, patience. 

We have become too used to reading 140 Twitter characters only, having everything squished into minute-long TikTok videos, and any and all information being available to us RIGHT NOW. It has destroyed not only our attention spans, but also our ability to delay gratification and made us highly anxious bundles of nerves. Nurturing online and pen pal friends is a wonderful exercise in patience and managing your anxiety in this hyper-paced world that is chronically on high alert. 

Your online friend also has a life outside of the internet and they need to live it to the fullest so that they can come back and tell you all of the exciting stories. Don’t get nervous if you don’t receive instant replies or if it takes them several days to get back to you. Remember that you are only experiencing a small snippet of what’s going on in their lives. We promise you, when they are not replying, it is not because they were suddenly offended by something that you said and are now giving you the silent treatment. 

Anxiety truly has a fascinating way of catastrophising anything that we could possibly think of, due to its ability to force us to imagine a lifetime of different scenarios within a few short seconds. For many, the thoughts and imaginations have now become too close to reality - their brains have learned to give the two equal value in their assessment of a situation, when, in fact, that is categorically not true.

Disconnect from the hyper-speed world of the internet more frequently, allow your mind to perceive the time and nature of the physical world more often, and you should slowly feel your mind recalibrating itself. Do not allow anxiety to make a mountain out of a molehill. Enjoy your own beautiful life and surroundings. Keep yourself busy and happy, and before you know it, your friend is back as well! 

Our Last Words to You

You are the biggest determinant in the chances of a successful and safe online friendship. Work on yourself and you will have all the tools you need to navigate the chaos that is the internet and find the right people that will become your very good friends. 

We have now touted the benefits of making friends online, but are still reminding you that life happens outside of those tiny little pixels that you call your phone. Make your online friends, but do log off, go out into fresh air, exercise, actually talk to your real friends, and don’t forget to spend time with grandma and hear her incredible life stories. Remember, it’s those moments shared with other people that your mind wanders to when you close your eyes at night.

References

Government/Organization Reports

Websites

Mohamed Ibrahim Shah & Mimi
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